I think I'm clever. I think I'm damned clever, actually. Why? Oh, so many reasons. An example: I was filling out a questionairre one time and one of the questions was "How would you establish world peace?" To which I answered "Take over the world and insist." C'mon. That's clever. And funny.
Anyway, I'm thinking about my knight tonight. My knight. A man who took me to the moon for a view of the world he was about to crush for me. Is it so awful to want that? To want him, to love him, to want to know him and want to be with him? I wasn't imagining it. It was real at the time and I suppose he's just forgotten that. I am so tempted to hop on a plane and go find him. Even if I have to knock on every door in the state. I wish it were that easy. I wish the story was "Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they live happily ever after." But it's not. It's "girl meets boy with whom she foolishly falls in love and he for one reason or another shatters her heart." Then "rinse, repeat." Over and over again. And what can I do about it? Not a damned thing. Let them go and know that even though it's their loss, I'm the one left dealing with the withdrawl.
There's so, so much of that in my life. The losing of everyone I've ever cared for. I'm even going to lose Amethyst, but that's okay, that's different somehow. That's supposed to happen. I'm raising her so that it will, one day, happen. Stormy told me "just don't ever not know her." I hope I can. I don't think my parents did it on purpose, not knowing me. They just still see me as this teenager, this rebellious kid who'd come up with the most creative ways to con them out of money. I was that, once.
I'm feeling very lonely. Very...alone as well. I don't really have any friends here, not the kind that I can call up to go do something with at any rate. Yeah, there's Plum, but I don't want to intrude upon his life, ya know? Because whenever you call someone to do something with you they feel obligated to do it or give you a really fabulous excuse why they can't. And I don't want to impose. That's just the kind of girl I am. Unless I'm a woman, which I still don't feel is the case.
Also, that guy who came over the other night. He gets to be navy blue. Because he's in the navy and it seems appropriate to him somehow. It just has that ring of rightness to it. To me, at least. Anyway, that point is that he's all calling me two or three times a day and calling me "sweety" and wanting to get together...and while it's kinda nice to have that attention, it's also...well, he seems to want a relationship that's mostly sexual. Which could be kewl, for a while. He's not the kind of guy I could ever fall in love with. There are so few of those. I get so attached so easily...I wish others would get attached to me the same way.
I really, really, really, really miss my knight tonight. I wish I could read minds; I'd go into his and see if I'm part of it at all. I keep thinking "he doesn't even know my real name." And I want him to know, I want to tell him everything about me so that he knows and is okay with it. If he would be okay with it. I want so badly...but I've always wanted so badly, one thing or another. I guess it doesn't really matter how important it is to me, the universe just likes to play its little games.
My heart hurts tonight. It misses what it once had and yearns for what it almost had. There should be a ring on this finger. Not an empty contract to a man...who loves me for me and knows who I am but isn't really mine. Which reminds me, Saturday is our one year anniversary, Slate and I. One year of this amusing charade. We're actually going to celebrate. Yipee for me.
Anyway, I'm going to go dream of a life that doesn't so closely resemble god's cruel joke. Or hell. And I'm going to try to find the missing pieces of my heart. Ah, but that, too, will only happen in a dream.
Laters