Okay. Now. Having showered so I'm all clean and drunk some more so I'm all buzzed, I decided that it is time for a Candi rant. Anyone care to guess what I'm going to rant on? Yes, that's right. And you know what? THIS is why I drink. So I can blame my actions on the liquor and not on myself-even though I am always completely aware and fully conscious of my deliberate choices. Anyway, I'm drunk right now so I'm ranting.
Yes, about Fire Opal. Why the FUCK is he so convinced that he's not good for me? And you know what-screw even me. For his SISTER. Yeah, she got upset today. Because of him, even that is true. But it was because she was freaked out that he'd disappear on us. That he'd just up and leave because of his delusions of inadequacy. So she called me and talked to me about it for a while. And when he showed up, she just cried and hugged him, she was so relieved. Can't he see that we need him? Both of us, for sure, but ESPECIALLY her. And the only reason he's not good for either of us is because he keeps both of us in constant suspense as to whether or not he'll show up the next time we expect him to, the next time we need him to. But of course he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that because we love him and worry about him so much that he's putting us in danger. He feels he has to protect us from everything. Everything except himself. And it would be so EASY to reassure us, so SIMPLE. Just be with us. Both of us. We need him, we need each other. We even need Amethyst, all of us do. How can he be so blind as to not SEE that? "See, I believe that when you're truly in love, there's no stopping it. I believe that nothing can get in the way of love at its purest form." HE said that. So why is HE determined to get in the way of it? Why does he insist on being the one to stop it, to obscure it and ignore it and even deny its power? He says he believes in love and that we are in love and he says that he wants to be with me. So WTF?!? And you know what? He's going to read this. And blame himself and get all despondent and upset and declare that he's no good for me and possibly break up with me-again. Because *I* am not allowed to get upset or to have any concerns or doubts, I'm not allowed to be freaky or get angry, I am not allowed to have any emotions or expressions that are not one hundred percent of love. Why? Because he is somehow incapable of realizing that even though I'm upset I still love him. He can't understand that I'm angry BECAUSE I love him, because I LOVE him, and not because I DON'T. He forgets. That I'm in love with him. And that sometimes it's okay to be upset with each other and then make up and forgive each other. Hell, even HE said that makeup sex is the best kind. *I* wouldn't know. I've never HAD makeup sex. He's promised me makeup sex. Which implies that he knows that we're going to argue sometimes. Although it doesn't really seem like it. Not now. And so far this is just an internet thing. He hasn't even talked to me on the PHONE for sobbing audibly. WHY are we having problems at this point? We shouldn't be. We should just be all "I love you more" "No, I love YOU more", and that sort of thing. Not crying every night and depriving myself of sleep because I can do nothing but sit in darkness and pretend I'm not staring through the goddamned walls. And now what? What about tonight? How WILL he react? I almost wish I didn't know. That's the fucking trouble with being brilliant-I already know what's going to happen next and there's no suspense. And even when I DO get upset, I can't let him KNOW it. Or I have to play it like it's all my fault and I need his help-which, yes, is usually how I see it, usually the way it is. It's just that sometimes I have to overcompensate for how shitty he feels by being UBER lovie and understanding and tolerant. His sister-and her colour is Atomic Tangerine-said that I'm always the one listening and understanding and being strong and offering advice. But what about me? And I see her point-what ABOUT me? Who do *I* have to complain to, to talk to even? What happens when I'm NOT feeling all that strong? Even Stormy doesn't know how to listen, she just mocks me and makes me feel ridiculous for feeling however it is that I do. Which, admittedly, sometimes helps. But also sometimes makes things worse. And why CAN'T he stay when I ask him to? He NEVER has, not once. And on the flip side of that, why doesn't he ever ask ME to stay when he knows I would-and sometimes even want to-and HE wants me to as well? And THEN why does he get pissed when I go because he DIDN'T ask me to stay? What the fuck, man! And fuck a duck and I'm going now. To do something that isn't thinking, that isn't dying inside.
Laters
Yes, about Fire Opal. Why the FUCK is he so convinced that he's not good for me? And you know what-screw even me. For his SISTER. Yeah, she got upset today. Because of him, even that is true. But it was because she was freaked out that he'd disappear on us. That he'd just up and leave because of his delusions of inadequacy. So she called me and talked to me about it for a while. And when he showed up, she just cried and hugged him, she was so relieved. Can't he see that we need him? Both of us, for sure, but ESPECIALLY her. And the only reason he's not good for either of us is because he keeps both of us in constant suspense as to whether or not he'll show up the next time we expect him to, the next time we need him to. But of course he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that because we love him and worry about him so much that he's putting us in danger. He feels he has to protect us from everything. Everything except himself. And it would be so EASY to reassure us, so SIMPLE. Just be with us. Both of us. We need him, we need each other. We even need Amethyst, all of us do. How can he be so blind as to not SEE that? "See, I believe that when you're truly in love, there's no stopping it. I believe that nothing can get in the way of love at its purest form." HE said that. So why is HE determined to get in the way of it? Why does he insist on being the one to stop it, to obscure it and ignore it and even deny its power? He says he believes in love and that we are in love and he says that he wants to be with me. So WTF?!? And you know what? He's going to read this. And blame himself and get all despondent and upset and declare that he's no good for me and possibly break up with me-again. Because *I* am not allowed to get upset or to have any concerns or doubts, I'm not allowed to be freaky or get angry, I am not allowed to have any emotions or expressions that are not one hundred percent of love. Why? Because he is somehow incapable of realizing that even though I'm upset I still love him. He can't understand that I'm angry BECAUSE I love him, because I LOVE him, and not because I DON'T. He forgets. That I'm in love with him. And that sometimes it's okay to be upset with each other and then make up and forgive each other. Hell, even HE said that makeup sex is the best kind. *I* wouldn't know. I've never HAD makeup sex. He's promised me makeup sex. Which implies that he knows that we're going to argue sometimes. Although it doesn't really seem like it. Not now. And so far this is just an internet thing. He hasn't even talked to me on the PHONE for sobbing audibly. WHY are we having problems at this point? We shouldn't be. We should just be all "I love you more" "No, I love YOU more", and that sort of thing. Not crying every night and depriving myself of sleep because I can do nothing but sit in darkness and pretend I'm not staring through the goddamned walls. And now what? What about tonight? How WILL he react? I almost wish I didn't know. That's the fucking trouble with being brilliant-I already know what's going to happen next and there's no suspense. And even when I DO get upset, I can't let him KNOW it. Or I have to play it like it's all my fault and I need his help-which, yes, is usually how I see it, usually the way it is. It's just that sometimes I have to overcompensate for how shitty he feels by being UBER lovie and understanding and tolerant. His sister-and her colour is Atomic Tangerine-said that I'm always the one listening and understanding and being strong and offering advice. But what about me? And I see her point-what ABOUT me? Who do *I* have to complain to, to talk to even? What happens when I'm NOT feeling all that strong? Even Stormy doesn't know how to listen, she just mocks me and makes me feel ridiculous for feeling however it is that I do. Which, admittedly, sometimes helps. But also sometimes makes things worse. And why CAN'T he stay when I ask him to? He NEVER has, not once. And on the flip side of that, why doesn't he ever ask ME to stay when he knows I would-and sometimes even want to-and HE wants me to as well? And THEN why does he get pissed when I go because he DIDN'T ask me to stay? What the fuck, man! And fuck a duck and I'm going now. To do something that isn't thinking, that isn't dying inside.
Laters
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