I don't know what to do or to say or to think. I wish I didn't know what to feel because numbness would be a welcome relief right now. I don't understand. I refuse to accept it. HOW could he do this? On the day when he becomes REAL to me-I heard his VOICE!-he chooses to end it. Why? I don't understand. I'm confused and upset, frightened and even sick. The whole world aligns to conspire to get us to meet-against all odds-and we do what we always knew we would, what the world always knew we would. We fall in love. We don't even have a choice in the matter, not really. Love chose us. "The heart wants what it wants, there is no logic to these things." Why does he have to impose structure on something that is by definition maleable? Form on something that is by nature chaotic? Why do I? Why would he leave me? After all we've survived together, why would he toss me aside? He knows I love him. I know he loves me. So whatever happened to 'all you need is love'? Doesn't he realize that I CAN'T let him go? That I couldn't leave him any more than I could deliberately suffocate myself? It's not supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be 'happily ever after'. Not 'have a good life'. Why is this consistently happening to me? Why does god or fate or whoever get such delight out of fucking with me like this? Putting my only desire within my grasp and yanking it away before I even have the chance to appreciate it. I suppose it gives me a sense of not taking anything for granted-I'm not ever able to. This is killing me. How can he not see that? That without him I'm nothing, and I have nothing to live for? Even Amethyst knows she's better off without either of us than just with me alone. Oh, well. It's not like I'm a good mother anyway. And so many people would be so much better off without me around. Yes, I'm back to that again. Knowing it for certainty still, though I was on the verge of BELIEVING otherwise. Why did I think that this would be different? Why did I allow myself to believe that this was for real, forever, when my entire history is of imitations and endings? Why do I still hope for that? Why am I sitting here, hour after hour, staring at this screen and wondering what I can say, what I can do to make him stay? I'm his. I belong to him. There's no one else for me. There's NOTHING else for me. Why this, why now? Why all of a sudden? How can he go from planning our future together, discussing wedding plans and housing arrangements and children to goodbye? How does one make that leap? And within the space of an hour. And then he has to call me. Several times. To talk? No. To listen to me cry, to listen to me break and die, and to leave me anyway. What the hell does he get out of THAT? How can he hear me breaking and dying and not want to stop my pain? How can he do that when he loves me so much? And then he says he's breaking every promise he ever made to me. And keeps killing me a little more. I can't even type anymore. And there's nothing else to say anyway.
Laters