What is rape? Is it having said no and not being heeded? Is it being afraid to say no but wanting it to be over or never to have started? Is it force? Pain? Beating? Crying? Begging to stop having started? Some odd kind of blurring of all of the above?
Every woman has a rape fantasy. Or so I was told once. I don't suppose I'm any different; I like my partner to be forceful. So how much of my sexuality is tied up in rape? How much of my attitude about sex? How do I overcome what's happened to me, and why do I think I deserved it, asked for it even? When the only one I actually asked for anything even similar is the only one who didn't doubt me? And why am I perceived the liar when he was the one who did the wrong? Everyone, my family, friends, those whose job it was supposed to be to help me, to believe me even.
*sigh* There's something seriously fucking wrong with me. Because thinking about it makes me want to fuck more than ever.
Laters