Oh, I've found a new website that'll take up some of my time everyday! It's called OneWord and the basic premise is that it gives you a word that you have sixty seconds to write about. And since writing IS my thing, maybe this'll give me some practice at the under pressure stuff. I like my entry today. But "home" is an easy word to write about, especially for those of us who don't have one.
*sigh* And on to the depressing shite-and WHY does there ALWAYS have to be depressing shite?
FireOpal showed up this morning. Treated me like just another acquaintence whom he just happened to love. Like it was no big deal, like I wasn't special at all. And this after he leaves yesterday with "I might just go get laid tonight." Then he refuses to tell me whether or not he did. I don't THINK he did, I don't think he COULD, but...well. He was acting so STRANGE and so OFF and so WRONG today. I know it's hypocritical, but I'm desperate for any other reason than that one. Because he can't just fuck, it's got to be intimate with him. So if he DID, then he might start thinking that...well, that I'm not special, that I'm just another acquaintence and that I can be replaced. Fucking A. I love him SO much...
A recent conversation with Raven:
raven: love is over rated and most people have no idea what it is including you
sapphire: I know what it is to me
sapphire: and that's what matters
sapphire: TO ME
sapphire: and who made you the grand fucking pumba? like YOU know
raven: candi love i do know even if i know nothing else on the face of the earth. that is not something that you really want to get into with me
sapphire: so do I
raven: no candi you dont and i truly hope that you never do
raven: there is nothing more terrible
sapphire: bullshit
sapphire: I know
raven: tell me then
sapphire: don't fucking treat me like a child
raven: tell me about the times when you try to see a female and cant
raven: because all you can see is an image frome the past that will never be again
raven: tell me about how you find your self having to call every one babe because you can only remember one name
raven: tell me about how you never know what to say because you lost track of the conversation 11 years ago
raven: tell me about it
So HIS experience was painful. HIS experience is OVER. Mine hasn't even barely begun. "Find someone like me but better," she said to him. To find someone like her for him to love. To find someone to replace her in his esteem. Or not to so that he may retain his cherished memory. And he says the only way to know is to try. But if you try and fail, you'll know it was because you couldn't succeed. And if you don't try, maybe you'll fail anyway, but at least it's not because you couldn't do it. At least then you can pretend that you COULD have done it if you'd only tried. I don't like him telling me that I don't know what love is because the man that *I* love is still alive, because I'm not looking for the same kind of bullshit dream that he is. And he thinks that I am the fulfillment of that dream. He might be right. Regardless, he is not the fulfillment of mine. FireOpal is. Raven is just another reality. And I want to chase the dream. My life was a nightmare. FireOpal is a dream, and Raven is reality. Which do I choose?
Laters
*sigh* And on to the depressing shite-and WHY does there ALWAYS have to be depressing shite?
FireOpal showed up this morning. Treated me like just another acquaintence whom he just happened to love. Like it was no big deal, like I wasn't special at all. And this after he leaves yesterday with "I might just go get laid tonight." Then he refuses to tell me whether or not he did. I don't THINK he did, I don't think he COULD, but...well. He was acting so STRANGE and so OFF and so WRONG today. I know it's hypocritical, but I'm desperate for any other reason than that one. Because he can't just fuck, it's got to be intimate with him. So if he DID, then he might start thinking that...well, that I'm not special, that I'm just another acquaintence and that I can be replaced. Fucking A. I love him SO much...
A recent conversation with Raven:
raven: love is over rated and most people have no idea what it is including you
sapphire: I know what it is to me
sapphire: and that's what matters
sapphire: TO ME
sapphire: and who made you the grand fucking pumba? like YOU know
raven: candi love i do know even if i know nothing else on the face of the earth. that is not something that you really want to get into with me
sapphire: so do I
raven: no candi you dont and i truly hope that you never do
raven: there is nothing more terrible
sapphire: bullshit
sapphire: I know
raven: tell me then
sapphire: don't fucking treat me like a child
raven: tell me about the times when you try to see a female and cant
raven: because all you can see is an image frome the past that will never be again
raven: tell me about how you find your self having to call every one babe because you can only remember one name
raven: tell me about how you never know what to say because you lost track of the conversation 11 years ago
raven: tell me about it
So HIS experience was painful. HIS experience is OVER. Mine hasn't even barely begun. "Find someone like me but better," she said to him. To find someone like her for him to love. To find someone to replace her in his esteem. Or not to so that he may retain his cherished memory. And he says the only way to know is to try. But if you try and fail, you'll know it was because you couldn't succeed. And if you don't try, maybe you'll fail anyway, but at least it's not because you couldn't do it. At least then you can pretend that you COULD have done it if you'd only tried. I don't like him telling me that I don't know what love is because the man that *I* love is still alive, because I'm not looking for the same kind of bullshit dream that he is. And he thinks that I am the fulfillment of that dream. He might be right. Regardless, he is not the fulfillment of mine. FireOpal is. Raven is just another reality. And I want to chase the dream. My life was a nightmare. FireOpal is a dream, and Raven is reality. Which do I choose?
Laters
<< Home