Love is my gift. Gift to give, that is.
But to me it's a curse. Because of being able to give love so deeply, to love so purely it's more real, more necessary than air...because I can do this, because I do, I'm cursed. It's not possible for me to be loved as truly as I love others. And that's what I need. To be loved. "More than you can ever know" isn't enough for me. Because it's still less than I give.
Yeah, I'm selfish. Human nature, really. Though for me, it's not just a want. It's a need.
Do I get what I need? When I'm down here crying, where's Raven? Spending the night with another woman, fucking her instead of drying my tears. And love? Yeah, he loves her, too. So after twelve years, I'm not special after all. He can fall in love twice when it's time to stop living in the once was.
What should I do? I love her. I would-I AM, I WILL-share my everything with her. But I need him, too. Hence "sharing". So if I bring this up, I'm the evil bad for being selfish and depriving her of him. But if I don't...This isn't a poly relationship. THAT I could handle. This is him having two girlfriends who happen to hang out once in a while. Okay, to be fair, it's more than once in a while, it's a lot, practically all the time. But still.
"If only, if only,"
The woodpecker sighs
"The bark of the tree were as soft as the skies."
As the wolf waits below,
Hungry and lonely,
He cries to the moon,
"If only, if only."
I'm living in my own "if only". And even those are "if only they were as simple as the wolf or the woodpecker."
I'm torn and broken. But hell, they say I prefer being miserable. If they're right-and they probably are-then I must be in heaven right now. *scoff* Too bad I don't believe in the place.
Laters
But to me it's a curse. Because of being able to give love so deeply, to love so purely it's more real, more necessary than air...because I can do this, because I do, I'm cursed. It's not possible for me to be loved as truly as I love others. And that's what I need. To be loved. "More than you can ever know" isn't enough for me. Because it's still less than I give.
Yeah, I'm selfish. Human nature, really. Though for me, it's not just a want. It's a need.
Do I get what I need? When I'm down here crying, where's Raven? Spending the night with another woman, fucking her instead of drying my tears. And love? Yeah, he loves her, too. So after twelve years, I'm not special after all. He can fall in love twice when it's time to stop living in the once was.
What should I do? I love her. I would-I AM, I WILL-share my everything with her. But I need him, too. Hence "sharing". So if I bring this up, I'm the evil bad for being selfish and depriving her of him. But if I don't...This isn't a poly relationship. THAT I could handle. This is him having two girlfriends who happen to hang out once in a while. Okay, to be fair, it's more than once in a while, it's a lot, practically all the time. But still.
"If only, if only,"
The woodpecker sighs
"The bark of the tree were as soft as the skies."
As the wolf waits below,
Hungry and lonely,
He cries to the moon,
"If only, if only."
I'm living in my own "if only". And even those are "if only they were as simple as the wolf or the woodpecker."
I'm torn and broken. But hell, they say I prefer being miserable. If they're right-and they probably are-then I must be in heaven right now. *scoff* Too bad I don't believe in the place.
Laters
