Fire for Higher

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too selfish. Sometimes I don't doubt that I am. Like last night, I went out with friends. And I gave them all a "present"-some of my prescription LorTab. But I only gave them each two, when I have like sixty or something. But they're the only thing working for the pain, right now. Because the pain's gotten worse, recently, and every time I eat it's close to excruciating. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I'm like HOARDING the pills. Like I'm not willing to give them any more because it's all about me, me, me. *sigh* And I'm broke, WAY broke. Like I'm having trouble paying my bills, even. Well, not BILLS bills, like monthly bills, but I have to get a crown on this one tooth and it's going to cost me four hundred dollars and I just don't have it! I've got like one, maybe two hundred, depending on how creatively I juggle the other bills. And Amethyst's daycare went up this summer...ah, shite. You know what the REAL problem is? I spend too much when I have "a little extra", spend WAY too frivolously. Books and movies, mostly, but also taking Amethyst out and buying her clothes...and speaking of clothes, I'm feeling withdrawal from clothes shopping. Not that I can find anything to fit me right, anyway, not anything cute, not anything that NORMAL people wear. I went shopping with a friend yesterday and of course we go into these stores that have all these adorable clothes and she's complaining about being too fat but she's GORGEOUS and she just doesn't see it and I'M the one who's fat and it makes me feel like an elephant or whale when she talks like that and I know she doesn't dislike me or anything but I kinda wonder if maybe she feels better about herself when I'm around because at least compared to me she's tiny and I'm like the token 'fat friend' but I know she doesn't CONSCIOUSLY think of me that way but every now and then there's this like sorta silent moment and I can tell it's in her head, like she's judging me but not really ever gonna say anything because she does genuinely like me. *deep breath* Okay, that was a long ramble that meant nothing and went nowhere. Oh, and a friend of mine got fired because he wore a bra to work and the wrong person noticed. Fucking A, that pisses me off! I wonder if I'm next because of the hair and the tattoos and just really because I'm ME and so many people have a problem with that. But I refuse to be anything less than who I am, because then what would I have? A paycheck that made me sick is what. Never sacrifice who you are for anything less than what you want to become...
I'm in an incredibly touchy/feelie mood right now. Like I just want to be held and stroked and maybe have someone play with my hair. Girls are good for that sort of thing. But I feel so...ALONE...so singular, so left out sometimes. And most of the time I don't mind, really, sometimes I LIKE to be alone, but when I was a kid I was always LEFT alone, ya know? My sister was always social and I...just wasn't. It didn't help that she stole all of my best friends, either. Or that she could be somewhat...I dunno. Patronizing? Condescending? Yeah, that one's closer. She looks DOWN on everyone, sometimes makes this face like she's just smelled something rotten. I love my sister. Always have. But I think I made her the way she is, at least partially. She's always been on a pedestal to me, always been worshipped. Maybe that's why she thinks she's so much better than everyone. *I* think I'm better than everyone because I'm so much smarter than they are.
Or...maybe not, on all of it. Maybe I've just got too much shit in my head and it's leaking out through my fingertips...
Yeah, that's probably it.
Laters