I have a new obsession. Well, an old obsession, a new focus. How pathetic am I to want so desperately to be owned? Raven opened this world to me...no. Raven gave this world definition for me. As long as I can remember I've referred to myself as "slightly masochistic". He made me realize just what "slightly" is for me-very extremely and intensely (though I suppose that's not exactly grammatically correct). And as long as I can remember I've wanted to take my husband's name (well, not MY husband, given the situation), because I wanted to BELONG. I want to be cherished and I want to obey-I even wanted my wedding ring to say "obey" and his "cherish" (again, not with my husband, with a hypothetical 'real' husband-or, at this point, Master). Desire like fire, burning through my veins...
On another note, I feel petulant. Juvenile and cranky. Some unknown bitch emails me with an address (brand new, I might add) created to imply she is now Raven's piggy bank. I want to fucking just go OFF. Tell her off, email him twice a day, write about nothing but him. See? Petulant. But I don't give a fuck. Ok, on some level I do because I want what's mine to remain mine-and he was MINE, though he deluded himself into believing it was otherwise. I want to be loved and remembered and pined for forever. Yes, I know it's unrealistic. I didn't say I EXPECTED it, just that I WANTED it. But for the past several months the only things I've been thinking about him are all the 'impotent-little-shit-of-a-man' things that he did (and can you tell how much I adore that phrase for describing him? so accurate!). And the only reason I've been even feigning interest is because I want my fucking money. The asshole owes me. I paid all the bills for a year. I fixed his goddamned truck, sold all my shit to keep him in gas and cigarettes just so he could let some drug dealer and his whore walk all over him. "I need to show them who I really am" indeed. Life-impotent little bastard. But the sex was fun. He wasn't quite impotent in that department. Well, not all the time. MOST of the time, but when it happened it was fun. Not good. Just fun. Painful. Yeah, in the bedroom he could dominate, be what I wanted and needed. Anyway, about the "threats" of legal action? Who was I "threatening"? Some crusty old hag who's more than welcome to my ex? Whatever. Besides, the legal shit wouldn't even involve Raven. All the documents are in his dad's name, which turns out to be a good thing because his dad actually HAS a job and MAKES some money which I can sue for. Can't bleed a stone-or a raven who's worth less than one. Okay, so thus ends my petulance. For now.
So onto other matters. I finally got my tattoo. Of Amethyst, my favourite picture of her and let me tell you it's PHENOMENAL. The guy did an amazing job. I'll get a picture of it once it's healed and put it up here somewhere.
Hmm...do I have anything else to say? Not really, no. Met with a "Dom" who wasn't really very dominating and who I won't be seeing again. Kind of a side note to everything, a footnote to the pages of my life.
And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. But, really, do I ever?
Laters
On another note, I feel petulant. Juvenile and cranky. Some unknown bitch emails me with an address (brand new, I might add) created to imply she is now Raven's piggy bank. I want to fucking just go OFF. Tell her off, email him twice a day, write about nothing but him. See? Petulant. But I don't give a fuck. Ok, on some level I do because I want what's mine to remain mine-and he was MINE, though he deluded himself into believing it was otherwise. I want to be loved and remembered and pined for forever. Yes, I know it's unrealistic. I didn't say I EXPECTED it, just that I WANTED it. But for the past several months the only things I've been thinking about him are all the 'impotent-little-shit-of-a-man' things that he did (and can you tell how much I adore that phrase for describing him? so accurate!). And the only reason I've been even feigning interest is because I want my fucking money. The asshole owes me. I paid all the bills for a year. I fixed his goddamned truck, sold all my shit to keep him in gas and cigarettes just so he could let some drug dealer and his whore walk all over him. "I need to show them who I really am" indeed. Life-impotent little bastard. But the sex was fun. He wasn't quite impotent in that department. Well, not all the time. MOST of the time, but when it happened it was fun. Not good. Just fun. Painful. Yeah, in the bedroom he could dominate, be what I wanted and needed. Anyway, about the "threats" of legal action? Who was I "threatening"? Some crusty old hag who's more than welcome to my ex? Whatever. Besides, the legal shit wouldn't even involve Raven. All the documents are in his dad's name, which turns out to be a good thing because his dad actually HAS a job and MAKES some money which I can sue for. Can't bleed a stone-or a raven who's worth less than one. Okay, so thus ends my petulance. For now.
So onto other matters. I finally got my tattoo. Of Amethyst, my favourite picture of her and let me tell you it's PHENOMENAL. The guy did an amazing job. I'll get a picture of it once it's healed and put it up here somewhere.
Hmm...do I have anything else to say? Not really, no. Met with a "Dom" who wasn't really very dominating and who I won't be seeing again. Kind of a side note to everything, a footnote to the pages of my life.
And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. But, really, do I ever?
Laters
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