They have no idea who I am. I was never theirs, and the one moment I could have been they shoved me away. For another who is not worthy. And never could be. Once upon a time I was their product. Once upon a time I was their child. Or at least I wanted to be. I thought they might have seen it, the alien in me. The alien I always have been to them, even as a child. It must have been impossible raising a child they bore but who was no part of them. They cannot know. They will never know. But, oh, how I want them to. To love me for who I am, not just because they think I am theirs. They do not love me. They do not know me. What they love is the idea they had of who they wanted me to be before I was even a glimmer in their eyes. And I was a glimmer for a long time, that I know. Is this the way I will end up? Will I betray and murder my own child? I'm sure it's not possible; I'm sure they thought that, too. I tried so hard to learn what they wanted to teach. I even rejected for so long the falacies of it because I wanted them to be proud of me. Will I be able to keep those fallacies from my own offspring? Will I be able to show her that love is love and love can never do wrong? I love her more each day. I would deny her nothing, even them. I know I'm not perfect, definitely not a perfect mother. My child... How can I do this alone? How could I ever trust another to help, when I don't even trust myself? Is there another worthy of my trust? I thought so once. But once and once and once. And a million years, a billion miles, and an ocean away. I have never been more hurt in my life. And all I can think is "I'm young yet. There is more pain to come."
Laters