Another thought-even though I'm plagarizing myself:
Whatever happened to my knight? I wish I knew. Sometimes I think it was a dream, even an hallucination. I think I may have made more of it than was actually there, that I forged a connection that didn't exist. I remember the facts, the details even, and I know that it wasn't just me. I could go back and reread our conversations to perhaps prove it to myself, the reality of it. But I won't. Because I already know and reliving it in that much detail would only hurt my heart. Now it's easier to pretend that I made it up, that maybe it WAS just me and he wasn't the one who "proposed" on the moon. Because for whatever reason he has made the choice not to be with me, not to have anything to do with me. And even though I could track him down-I know his full name and the city where he lives and even some hints as to where he goes to school, etc.-again, I won't. He's made his choice, and I have to respect that, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much it fucking sucks. I have to file it away in my heart, to bury it under all the other layers of pain, and ignore it. I have to realize that I've never met him and now never will. And it's easier to do because of that. It's easier to ignore. So I try not to think about it. Kinda try to get into a zen mode of 'there is no knight, there never was a knight'. And I can do it. It's not like he crushed my heart. Just borrowed it for a short-too short-time.
Laters
Whatever happened to my knight? I wish I knew. Sometimes I think it was a dream, even an hallucination. I think I may have made more of it than was actually there, that I forged a connection that didn't exist. I remember the facts, the details even, and I know that it wasn't just me. I could go back and reread our conversations to perhaps prove it to myself, the reality of it. But I won't. Because I already know and reliving it in that much detail would only hurt my heart. Now it's easier to pretend that I made it up, that maybe it WAS just me and he wasn't the one who "proposed" on the moon. Because for whatever reason he has made the choice not to be with me, not to have anything to do with me. And even though I could track him down-I know his full name and the city where he lives and even some hints as to where he goes to school, etc.-again, I won't. He's made his choice, and I have to respect that, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much it fucking sucks. I have to file it away in my heart, to bury it under all the other layers of pain, and ignore it. I have to realize that I've never met him and now never will. And it's easier to do because of that. It's easier to ignore. So I try not to think about it. Kinda try to get into a zen mode of 'there is no knight, there never was a knight'. And I can do it. It's not like he crushed my heart. Just borrowed it for a short-too short-time.
Laters
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