God, I wish I weren't so fucking stupid. Here I am, bragging about my brilliance and condemning those who swagger about thinking they're the shit and really being nothing but useless excrement. While *I* am the one doing the same damned thing. I'm nothing. NOTHING. I wish I could do SO many things. I can't even read French. Or German, Russian, anything. Even English is a struggle for me. Because I'm an idiot. And I WANT to, I DESPERATELY want to. So...why can't I?
You know, I used to think I was magic. Or had a kind of super power or something of the sort. SOMEthing that allowed me to always get my way. ALWAYS. To get everything I wanted. So...is THIS what I wanted? To be in love with a man who's too far away-and too afraid-to be with me, to be fucking a guy that I'll probably stay with as long as he continues lavishing on me the kind of attention I crave, to be mother to the antichrist, to be fat and lazy and fucking STUPID? IS it? I mean, is there something buried deep in my psyche that's fucking everything up for me? AM I getting what I TRULY want? And why oh, WHY can't I just KNOW what I want and GET it?
Fuck it right in the ear.
I figured out how much it would be to get to FireOpal. Not including passports and all that mess, it'll be around fifteen/sixteen hundred. Only...my phone is tapped. THIS is probably read as well, and maybe even my damned Yahoo conversations monitored. So what if I somehow get the money, fly out there, call Atomic Tangerine up and they aren't even in the country anymore? Am I just fucking stranded? Only I'd DO that. Go out there with no plan, no ADDRESS, no place to stay and no money and just hope I could find them. Leap of faith. Faith in love. Faith in him, in us, in myself...too much? But there's not really a way for me to GET that much money. Short of robbing a bank, which I think is why FireOpal allowed me to find out where he's living in the first place. Dammit. But...on the other hand...there HAS to be SOME way. Isn't there? I mean, assassin shit aside, isn't he allowed to be happy? To be in love, to marry? Or will they-the mysterious "they" assassins-find out when (if) I get some money and send him off somewhere fucking ELSE? GodDAMMIT. And does this man that I love with all my heart even EXIST? To anyone but me? ("I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." Yeah, right.)
I'm actively female. And obviously not asleep. And my new piercing kinda hurts, but I'm determined to keep it in until SOMEONE can see it. Even if it kills me. Maybe it'll even heal right and I can keep it. Ya think?
Amethyst starts school Friday. My baby. School. BABY. SCHOOL. Fucking time. Abandons me when I need it most. Or DO I? God, I love my kid. She's just so...so...so...MINE. How in the HELL am I going to be able to let her go to SCHOOL? Six rolls of film, THAT'S how. I'm such a dork. But maybe I won't be the ONLY dork parent there. If I am, I'll probably be mortified and leave early. I DO have shit to do that day. Damned meds.
I can't sleep. Don't know why. Might have a little to do with that FireOpal's supposed to be able to get online sometime soon here, and he's freaky about calling me. And I don't want to miss him. But it might not.
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
Yes, I'm fully aware of how much sense I don't make.
Laters
You know, I used to think I was magic. Or had a kind of super power or something of the sort. SOMEthing that allowed me to always get my way. ALWAYS. To get everything I wanted. So...is THIS what I wanted? To be in love with a man who's too far away-and too afraid-to be with me, to be fucking a guy that I'll probably stay with as long as he continues lavishing on me the kind of attention I crave, to be mother to the antichrist, to be fat and lazy and fucking STUPID? IS it? I mean, is there something buried deep in my psyche that's fucking everything up for me? AM I getting what I TRULY want? And why oh, WHY can't I just KNOW what I want and GET it?
Fuck it right in the ear.
I figured out how much it would be to get to FireOpal. Not including passports and all that mess, it'll be around fifteen/sixteen hundred. Only...my phone is tapped. THIS is probably read as well, and maybe even my damned Yahoo conversations monitored. So what if I somehow get the money, fly out there, call Atomic Tangerine up and they aren't even in the country anymore? Am I just fucking stranded? Only I'd DO that. Go out there with no plan, no ADDRESS, no place to stay and no money and just hope I could find them. Leap of faith. Faith in love. Faith in him, in us, in myself...too much? But there's not really a way for me to GET that much money. Short of robbing a bank, which I think is why FireOpal allowed me to find out where he's living in the first place. Dammit. But...on the other hand...there HAS to be SOME way. Isn't there? I mean, assassin shit aside, isn't he allowed to be happy? To be in love, to marry? Or will they-the mysterious "they" assassins-find out when (if) I get some money and send him off somewhere fucking ELSE? GodDAMMIT. And does this man that I love with all my heart even EXIST? To anyone but me? ("I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." Yeah, right.)
I'm actively female. And obviously not asleep. And my new piercing kinda hurts, but I'm determined to keep it in until SOMEONE can see it. Even if it kills me. Maybe it'll even heal right and I can keep it. Ya think?
Amethyst starts school Friday. My baby. School. BABY. SCHOOL. Fucking time. Abandons me when I need it most. Or DO I? God, I love my kid. She's just so...so...so...MINE. How in the HELL am I going to be able to let her go to SCHOOL? Six rolls of film, THAT'S how. I'm such a dork. But maybe I won't be the ONLY dork parent there. If I am, I'll probably be mortified and leave early. I DO have shit to do that day. Damned meds.
I can't sleep. Don't know why. Might have a little to do with that FireOpal's supposed to be able to get online sometime soon here, and he's freaky about calling me. And I don't want to miss him. But it might not.
"The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays."
Yes, I'm fully aware of how much sense I don't make.
Laters
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