I shouldn't have let him come last time. I shouldn't have sent that entry about him to him when it could have been over before my birthday. And I shouldn't have been alone with him for so long. Or at all. Now I want him. I want him the way he was with me last time, when I knew he loved me, when he fucked me the way I wanted, the way I almost needed. FireOpal cannot do that for me. Or won't, which amounts to the same thing. I don't need it, not yet. But just one more time...once more and I will. And then I won't want FireOpal, I'll want Raven. And my heart belongs so thouroughly to FireOpal that knowing this makes me so confused. And he-FireOpal...he knows it, too. He knows that's why I'm so intent on getting rid of Raven right now because I'm afraid that if I spend too much time with him-as in any more-I'll choose to stay with him when FireOpal shows up. I love FireOpal with all my heart. But I want Raven with all my body. Goddammit. I follow my heart. It's all I believe in. All I hope for. All I love.
Laters