Things were so simple then.
HA!
Things were never simple.
But let's try to break it down, shall we? Starting with childhood. I had three siblings. Have, I suppose, but since we're talking about my childhood I think past tense is appropriate. Anyway. We moved a lot. Never got a sense of home, and I have no clue as to permanence. High school rebellion, rape, early pregnancy. First love. End of first love. Depression. Marriage. Marriage equalling an end to all I thought I'd believed, all I'd held to be important. Assault. Actually, the assault was nothing new, having experienced it from my older brother during childhood, my father during high school rebellion and now my little brother right after he turned eighteen. So I pressed charges. Then betrayal. Though that, too was nothing new. Rape again. And this time I remembered it, every detail. Then love. True love. More pain. Anyone notice that there's a HUGE focus on the horror in my life? Okay, to the now. True love. Still. And...something else. Something NOT love. Something painful but pleasurable. Something real. And I chase the dream. I love the dream, I want the dream. The dream to be real, the dream I've been chasing my whole life. And HE-Raven-has been chasing a dream. And I am the fulfillment of his dream. Fuck him, why should he get HIS dream when I don't get mine? Plus...godDAMN but he pissed me off. And he KNEW better. He KNEW that I'd get pissed, he knew that I'd trusted him NOT to. And he did it anyway. And...and even if I GET my dream, what makes me so sure I'll be able to KEEP it? My sister is SO happy with her dream. No, that's wrong. My sister is happy with MY dream. And I am happy with hers. Only for both of us the discontent is multiplied a thousandfold by seeing the other live it. You know what? It IS complicated. And this doesn't make it seem any more simple.
I have happiness, though. I know I focus so much on the horror, and maybe I'm fucked up to do so. But I DO have happinesses. FireOpal who knows me so well and loves me so much. Amethyst who depends so heavily on me and is turning into such a beautiful creature at my hands. Atomic Tangerine who IS a beautiful creature, who looks up to me and makes me want to set a better example, who makes me believe in my own word and makes it possible for me to keep it. Yes, yes. Dependency on external validation. But I have such wonderful, reliable people to provide it for me.
And I'm going to post this and go before my fucking computer crashes AGAIN.
Laters
HA!
Things were never simple.
But let's try to break it down, shall we? Starting with childhood. I had three siblings. Have, I suppose, but since we're talking about my childhood I think past tense is appropriate. Anyway. We moved a lot. Never got a sense of home, and I have no clue as to permanence. High school rebellion, rape, early pregnancy. First love. End of first love. Depression. Marriage. Marriage equalling an end to all I thought I'd believed, all I'd held to be important. Assault. Actually, the assault was nothing new, having experienced it from my older brother during childhood, my father during high school rebellion and now my little brother right after he turned eighteen. So I pressed charges. Then betrayal. Though that, too was nothing new. Rape again. And this time I remembered it, every detail. Then love. True love. More pain. Anyone notice that there's a HUGE focus on the horror in my life? Okay, to the now. True love. Still. And...something else. Something NOT love. Something painful but pleasurable. Something real. And I chase the dream. I love the dream, I want the dream. The dream to be real, the dream I've been chasing my whole life. And HE-Raven-has been chasing a dream. And I am the fulfillment of his dream. Fuck him, why should he get HIS dream when I don't get mine? Plus...godDAMN but he pissed me off. And he KNEW better. He KNEW that I'd get pissed, he knew that I'd trusted him NOT to. And he did it anyway. And...and even if I GET my dream, what makes me so sure I'll be able to KEEP it? My sister is SO happy with her dream. No, that's wrong. My sister is happy with MY dream. And I am happy with hers. Only for both of us the discontent is multiplied a thousandfold by seeing the other live it. You know what? It IS complicated. And this doesn't make it seem any more simple.
I have happiness, though. I know I focus so much on the horror, and maybe I'm fucked up to do so. But I DO have happinesses. FireOpal who knows me so well and loves me so much. Amethyst who depends so heavily on me and is turning into such a beautiful creature at my hands. Atomic Tangerine who IS a beautiful creature, who looks up to me and makes me want to set a better example, who makes me believe in my own word and makes it possible for me to keep it. Yes, yes. Dependency on external validation. But I have such wonderful, reliable people to provide it for me.
And I'm going to post this and go before my fucking computer crashes AGAIN.
Laters
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