I'm going to lose her. Amethyst. She's going to grow up and away from me. And I know that's the goal, the purpose, the right thing and the true direction. I know it and yet...
Today, I walked her to school. And when it was time for her to continue on and me to go back I said, as I always do, "Give me a kiss." And she stopped, there in the middle of everything and turned her head to kiss me. Without fear of ridicule, without shame or regret. She stopped and kissed her mommy. It wasn't an "okay, if I have to, but hurry up I've got things to do and please god, don't let anybody see" kinda thing. It was a true and pure expression of love from my little girl to her mommy. How can I let her go? And how did I then turn and walk away from her instead of grabbing her to me and running as fast as I could and as far as possible away from the day when that is no longer possible?
It's difficult to breathe and I'm crying. My heart is swelling in my chest and if I didn't know that it's pretty much medically impossible, I think I'd explode. I've seen this beautiful creature grow from a baby to a toddler, from a toddler to a little girl. And from here I have to see her grow even further, from little girl to girl, from girl to young woman, from young woman into...full fledged womanhood. I have to watch this. I have to suffer through it. And every day, I have to long for the one before. The days when I could pick her up and dance with her to music only we could hear. The days when she needed me to help bathe her and took such delight in splashing around and getting me all wet. The days when she crawled up in my lap and asked "mommy, can you hold me like a baby?"; the days when she couldn't go to sleep unil I sang her our song. The days when she would slip her little hand in mine, trusting me completely, knowing in her whole heart that I would never let any harm befall her. The days when she would see me crying and put her hand onto my face to comfort me and say "mommy, it's okay". The days when she would stop in the middle of everything to kiss her mommy goodbye because she'd miss me for the few short hours she was in school. These days. Today.
I've already lost SO many yesterdays. And now I'm being forced to sacrifice the todays to the tomorrows. I curse the time that's already slipped through my fingers, that's snuck past right in front of my alert and watchful eyes. I curse the linear path that I must follow; I curse how it has made me a slave of the past, a worshipper of the present, and a devotee of the future.
And I curse how it's crept up on me until now I must set aside my musings and go pick up Amethyst from school. And hopefully, I'll be able to actually post this soon, my internet and phone line are kinda fucked up for some reason.
Laters
Today, I walked her to school. And when it was time for her to continue on and me to go back I said, as I always do, "Give me a kiss." And she stopped, there in the middle of everything and turned her head to kiss me. Without fear of ridicule, without shame or regret. She stopped and kissed her mommy. It wasn't an "okay, if I have to, but hurry up I've got things to do and please god, don't let anybody see" kinda thing. It was a true and pure expression of love from my little girl to her mommy. How can I let her go? And how did I then turn and walk away from her instead of grabbing her to me and running as fast as I could and as far as possible away from the day when that is no longer possible?
It's difficult to breathe and I'm crying. My heart is swelling in my chest and if I didn't know that it's pretty much medically impossible, I think I'd explode. I've seen this beautiful creature grow from a baby to a toddler, from a toddler to a little girl. And from here I have to see her grow even further, from little girl to girl, from girl to young woman, from young woman into...full fledged womanhood. I have to watch this. I have to suffer through it. And every day, I have to long for the one before. The days when I could pick her up and dance with her to music only we could hear. The days when she needed me to help bathe her and took such delight in splashing around and getting me all wet. The days when she crawled up in my lap and asked "mommy, can you hold me like a baby?"; the days when she couldn't go to sleep unil I sang her our song. The days when she would slip her little hand in mine, trusting me completely, knowing in her whole heart that I would never let any harm befall her. The days when she would see me crying and put her hand onto my face to comfort me and say "mommy, it's okay". The days when she would stop in the middle of everything to kiss her mommy goodbye because she'd miss me for the few short hours she was in school. These days. Today.
I've already lost SO many yesterdays. And now I'm being forced to sacrifice the todays to the tomorrows. I curse the time that's already slipped through my fingers, that's snuck past right in front of my alert and watchful eyes. I curse the linear path that I must follow; I curse how it has made me a slave of the past, a worshipper of the present, and a devotee of the future.
And I curse how it's crept up on me until now I must set aside my musings and go pick up Amethyst from school. And hopefully, I'll be able to actually post this soon, my internet and phone line are kinda fucked up for some reason.
Laters
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