I'm playing this part because it's what I'm expected to do. Because I don't really have a choice.
Did I ever?
But it's just an act. A fabrication, a facade. I'm not this girl. I'm not His slave. He is not my Master. I allow Him to be here for no other reason than my desperate need for companionship and my codependence-on anyone, anything. And I will continue to allow it and continue to pretend as long as He likes, as long as He continues lavishing on me his attention, his many MANY "I love yous". I don't love Him, not any more than a general care and basic affection. I gave all my love to someone who did not and will not ever exist.
And god, how that hurts. How I long to break down and cry. But I know I'd never stop, that I'd run out of tears and start crying blood. How appropriate, though. How...morbid. I WOULD die for love. I'd do anything for love. Even forgive to the point of losing all myself. I have. And will again.
But aren't I worth more than that? Aren't I better than a cliche, a platitude spoken to empty air? Should I shield my heart? Put it behind walls impenetrable? WOULD I rather have never loved than to have loved and lost-and been betrayed the way I have been? Do I lie to myself? Do I KNOW myself? Does ANYONE know me?
God, my head hurts. I think I'll go die now. Or at least sleep, I don't care which. I just welcome oblivion.
Laters