AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(My primordial scream)

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So many bizarre things have happened to me lately. Amethyst had her birthday Thursday and I rented out this huge place for her party. Who showed up? Several of my friends. And two children. One of whom my parents brought with them. I'm not pissed about the money, though it was considerable. It was just the fact that the place was SO FUCKING AWESOME that the kids I'd invited would have really had fun. *I* had fun. Amethyst had fun, and that was the point. Plus she loaded up on the presents which were just goddamned FABULOUS. My friends rock, I'm telling you.
Anyway, after the party I went out for a drink with GreyMatter, who'd driven about a hundred miles on a work night just to see me and wish Amethyst a happy birthday. He and I have always been friendly, with a mild hint of sexual drama. Only this time was...awkward. Like he hadn't seen me in a while and he was appalled by the way I'd changed. Or become more noticably flawed. Or whatever it was. Regardless, when we said good night it felt like he didn't want to kiss me, like he only did it because it's been done before and was somehow expected. I know I'm flawed, I've never been anything but upfront about that. But despite that I've rarely felt so...unattractive. If that's even the word. Jesus, my brain gets all fucked up about this shit. It's just that I LIKE him so much. Fuck it.
And THEN (and believe it or not, THIS is where it gets weird), Jack calls me. Dragon's Blood, or whatever the hell I've given him. I didn't realize who it was at first. But I finally figured it out. And he came to get me. As per usual, right? I'd suck him off, be dominated, do what he wanted of me (usually by swallowing his cum, which isn't awful from him), and then go home. That's the way it always happens, with the side effect of me being turned on more than words can adequately describe. Every time. Except this time. This time when he pulled up, another guy gets out of the passenger seat and into the back. Right at that point I knew. I didn't know WHAT, exactly, just that I'd be required to do SOMETHING for this other guy. Who was Jack's brother. First thing Jack kisses me. God, I love the way he does that. All out, just expecting me to follow his lead. Then we start driving and now I'm sucking him. Which is the usual thing, only we've never had an audience before. I don't see where we're going, but once or twice I noticed him looking back at his brother-and I'm intensely curious about the look they exchanged. And we stop. I'm pulled up back into my seat and notice we're at a church. Mmmm, how I love blaspheming right in front of the house of god. They get out of the car so his brother can 'have a cigarette'. And, of course, his brother gets in the driver's seat. "Well?" Jack asks. With only a minute pause for the flippant comment of "Are we trying to prove something?", I go at it, sucking the brother's (much MUCH smaller) dick with gusto I hope proves me worthy. Worthy of what? We're in front of a church so maybe god knows-I certainly don't. Long story short (too late), he's too drunk to get off and finally gives up. Jack gets back into his seat and pulls me to his chest where he spends the ride home kissing my forehead and hair and holding me closely and ...well, tenderly. As if to tell me I've done a good job and he's happy with me. My pants are soiled with my arousal and after he kisses me (saying he'll "call me soon"), I stumble out of the car and to my front door. Where I just collapse and smoke until I think I can walk again. In the shower, I'm dripping from my cunt before the water has a chance to wash it away.
I used to ask myself why I allow him to affect me this way. But it has nothing to do with "allow". He DOES affect me like this. And I have no choice but to give in.
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Everyone around me is happy. Married. In love. Whatever. Even Ruby. He's married. To someone who is not me. To someone he's known for less than two years. He was with me for three. We had a kid. God, he loved her. And I was so SO hurt when I found out about his new love. Love. Shit, I hate that fucking word. So what did I do? I sent him and his wife an invitation to Amethyst's birthday party. With a picture of him and Amethyst tucked inside. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to take the one thing in life he loved the most and lost the worst and shove it in his face. And I did. And all I can think about is him. Wondering if he'll show up. Holding my breath with hope that he will. Just to see him. Even happy with someone else. I'm so confused and...alone. Always, always alone.
I never thought I could be this broken.
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A few random thoughts that I'm not going to elaborate on-at least not now.

If my father is the example, I think I almost understand god.

This seems to be the year of forgiveness. For I find myself forgiving those I thought were lost causes. As yet there's only one person I am so far incapable of bestowing that gift upon.

Amethyst's birthday is coming up and I've got the most SPECTACULAR time planned.

I need a massage. With lotion. And then sex. I'd skip the lotion but my skin has been so dry lately.

British accents ARE, indeed, sexy. Same with Australian ones.

And um...
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