The christmas tree looks so...antiseptic. Like it's there for display, and not for mood. I'm feeling very sad. I don't know why. I think it's the whole holidays thing and how I don't have any family to spend it with. Other than Amethyst, of course. I'm just very much a family person. And without a family...and I wish it were only because they're so far away. I'm also thinking about her first few christmases where she was the only kid in a very large family. Hell, she used to have five families and now she's just got me. I feel like I took that away from her. I feel like he did, too. I'm alternately feeling very upset at how he lost a daughter and very angry that he gave one up. Ruby Red, I mean. He LOVED her, he DOTED on her. I used to be jealous of the relationship between them, I remember that. And now...I'm stuck with a fake, antiseptic tree. Why is it that the holidays are the time of year when people commit the most suicides, are the most unhappy? Since TALKING about suicide with someone-even though it was a stranger-it's been more and more real to me. Despite the happy pills, which will apparently take weeks to kick in-right now all they're doing is making me sick. And the reasons I discussed seem more plausible, more valid. What reasons are those? Well, one, I just think everyone would be better off without me-Slate wouldn't have the financial concerns he does now, Stormy would get Amethyst, Amethyst would get Stormy, my family would be rid of their most hated member, and everyone in the world could rest in peace without the fear that I'm going to take over and annihilate them. (Which is the other option, by the way.) Two, I'm so tired of feeling like this-unloved to the point of being hated, useless to the point of being a burden, hopeless to the point of being a cynic...it flippin' sucks, man. Three, it's the easy way out-and everyone looks for the simplest solution. Four...well, okay, I can't really think of a four that wouldn't be restating one. Actually, yes I can. Amethyst deserves better than growing up with a sucidal, possibly bipolar, kleptomaniac, seriously psychologically messed up mother. Hell, if I need therapy, what's she going to need? Brainwashing? A labotomy? It's just wrong. Kids should have better, especially one as awesome as she is. And Stormy would give her that-everything that I wish I could be, she is.
Dammit. I really need some love tonight. Someone to hold me while I cry and to lie saying everything's gonna be all right. Even though we'd both know better. I've been needing that a lot lately.
And it won't get any better.
Laters