I am now all alone. After a very hectic weekend, I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad one. Usually, I don't like being alone. Probably because of the whole external validation thing. But tonight I think it's a good thing. If for no other reason than that I've been neglecting my blog, and I have a lot to go through, reactions and such.
Starting off...okay, Wednesday night, I talked to my knight. And he mentioned that we might want to back off a little-because it'll be tomorrow that we'll have "known" each other a week. Then either last night or the night before-I have no concept of time-he admits that part of (and I get the impression that it's more like most of) his motivation for that is because he's afraid he won't be attracted to me. Which is exactly how I was afraid he'd react to me. THEN he says that his biggest turn off appearance wise is my biggest flaw. I could have cried. But I told him the truth, that I am what he doesn't want. Since then our schedules have both been busy, so we haven't really talked too much. At least, I hope it's that our schedules are too busy, and not that he's avoiding me. Because he also said that if he had a house and a career-or even a definite plan for those things-he'd have come and gotten me already. AND that I was his ideal woman, the one he's dreamed about his whole life. Except for the physical thing, of course. I haven't even considered the physical part of it-I don't care what he looks like, he's already hella attractive to me. But I'm a chic and he's a man. Okay, moving on-sort of-he also said he's had sex with a total of two people, a total of three times. And that he regrets even those times. I have my issues about that, as you well know. But they are mine, that I have to work through. I know that, and I'm willing to, for him. Sex is a weird thing for me. But I'll figure it out. I didn't tell him how many men I'd been with, and I couldn't even count the number of times. There's a lot we don't know about each other. There's a lot I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want to lose him, if he'd freak out about it. And I don't know how he'd react to most of it. It's a little...more than most people can handle. The big thing being Slate, and how I explain him. And, again, I don't know if I should. Because that situation can be erradicated, so that it won't be an issue. But, again, I'd hate to start out our lives together with a secret. That and I'm too honest and incapable of either lying or keeping secrets. I want to tell him all my flaws, all my wrongs, so that when we meet he will be prepared, but I want to hide them so he won't run. I think he feels the same way. I'm so afraid of this, this thing between us. I'm trying to hold back; I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to understand it, when all it is is acataleptic (incapable of being understood). I think of him and I smile. He's my first thought in the morning, my last at night-I dream about him. I feel his kiss on my lips, his arms around my body, his hands in mine. Without ever picturing what he looks like, I walk with him into the future. I'm so afraid that this is real, because if it is I might have to face it ending. I'm so afraid that this is a dream, because oh, I don't want to wake up. I anticipate our next conversation, and dread it, too. Because with each exchange I feel more connected to him, but with each exchange we come closer to breaking the bubble of the dream we've found together, of becoming real to each other in a very permanent way. It's exhilarating, frightening, maddening, wonderful, awful. I could go on for hours, but there are other things to attend to.
So why don't I get right along with those? Hmmm...I actually let a guy come over last night. Stone was here-not that he inspires any confidence in me, he's all talk, but his presence was comforting. And we went to a movie and all hung out. Well, the men hung out together and I hung out with Amethyst. And it was kewl, because he-and we'll call him Asparagus-seemed completely disinterested in me, at least physically. Until Stone went to sleep, when he "cuddled up" and started biting my neck. He didn't try anything, and stopped when I told him to, so it's all good. And I went to bed. But they were up and listening to football all morning this morning. Now, I'm not anti-football. I'm just a chic, and therefor it's not as interesting to me (and please, yes, I know it's a gender stereotype-they exist for a reason, and for a lot of them the reason is me-and again, I don't want anything about how that's "normal"-we all define things our own way). So they're both talking army shit and football and stuff that has absolutely no meaning to me, and trying to explain it to me and talk to me about it and I just DON'T CARE. I respect that they have interests outside of mine. As do I, outside of theirs. But I don't shove them in their faces and bore them to tears with them. *sigh* Why am I disappointed when I get yet another proof that no one's like me, when all I want is to be different anyway? I'm a walking conundrum. But I make SENSE. No one understands that. Well, maybe one, and hopefully another will get it soon.
Okay, moving right along.
I sometimes get really frustrated with Amethyst. She's three, I'm an "adult", naturally it's going to happen. But this weekend...I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. She's so GOOD, agreeable, friendly, polite, smart, interested, obedient-even though I don't expect her to be, and in fact encourage her not to. I just don't want her to take my word on it, just because I say so. If I tell her to do something and she asks "why" I consider that a perfectly acceptable exchange. She never says no, and in fact mostly just does it-especially if it's familiar, like "clean up your room". She likes cleaning, even asks me all the time to help with the dishes. *Rubbing my hands together evilly* Excellent. Because I only had her because I don't like housework. (And if this is necessary, my pointing out that that's a joke, go away. Read some teenager's blog about how stereotyping blondes "isnt rilly revelent bcuz were not all liike that.") Anyway, the point is, she's awesome. Undemanding, loving, perfectly three. And amazing. I swear this isn't just a mother's bias. She just rocks.
All right, more.
Rapping up a few unresolved issues-but not all, I'm not that benevolent ( at least not tonight)-Caramel is rarely online and when he is he doesn't talk to me. So no more him. Eggshell the same, but that's more than okay-I'm pretty sure it was just another horny little boy syndrome anyway. Mauve was supposed to come over one night maybe a month ago but never showed up and has not been in touch or online at all. So no more him. My critic doesn't email me anymore, not since he read my entry about him and asked why I hadn't given him a colour-to which I replied "what colour ARE you"-because I don't give colour until actual meetings in general. Royal's always online, so when I see him there during the day I set my status message to "Reminded of the mess you made of me as I clean." Not because I'm messed up over him, but because I think it's amusing. Obviously I've moved on. But I'm not above a little sadistic humour every now and then. Which reminds me-never ask how I'm teaching Amethyst the alphabet. Let's just say I'm going to be getting a LOT of phone calls from kindergarten. Hey, it's funny to me. No matter how wrong it is to the rest of the world. And-since this is a random tangent, I'll just add another one-Stone wants to get her all gothed up to go out with us to the mall sometime. My theory? "We'll see."
Okie day, then, I'm sure there's a ton more that I could write about right now, but I think I'm going to turn the tunes up, run a too hot bath and soak for a while with a glass of something alcoholic.
Laters
Starting off...okay, Wednesday night, I talked to my knight. And he mentioned that we might want to back off a little-because it'll be tomorrow that we'll have "known" each other a week. Then either last night or the night before-I have no concept of time-he admits that part of (and I get the impression that it's more like most of) his motivation for that is because he's afraid he won't be attracted to me. Which is exactly how I was afraid he'd react to me. THEN he says that his biggest turn off appearance wise is my biggest flaw. I could have cried. But I told him the truth, that I am what he doesn't want. Since then our schedules have both been busy, so we haven't really talked too much. At least, I hope it's that our schedules are too busy, and not that he's avoiding me. Because he also said that if he had a house and a career-or even a definite plan for those things-he'd have come and gotten me already. AND that I was his ideal woman, the one he's dreamed about his whole life. Except for the physical thing, of course. I haven't even considered the physical part of it-I don't care what he looks like, he's already hella attractive to me. But I'm a chic and he's a man. Okay, moving on-sort of-he also said he's had sex with a total of two people, a total of three times. And that he regrets even those times. I have my issues about that, as you well know. But they are mine, that I have to work through. I know that, and I'm willing to, for him. Sex is a weird thing for me. But I'll figure it out. I didn't tell him how many men I'd been with, and I couldn't even count the number of times. There's a lot we don't know about each other. There's a lot I'm afraid to tell him because I don't want to lose him, if he'd freak out about it. And I don't know how he'd react to most of it. It's a little...more than most people can handle. The big thing being Slate, and how I explain him. And, again, I don't know if I should. Because that situation can be erradicated, so that it won't be an issue. But, again, I'd hate to start out our lives together with a secret. That and I'm too honest and incapable of either lying or keeping secrets. I want to tell him all my flaws, all my wrongs, so that when we meet he will be prepared, but I want to hide them so he won't run. I think he feels the same way. I'm so afraid of this, this thing between us. I'm trying to hold back; I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to understand it, when all it is is acataleptic (incapable of being understood). I think of him and I smile. He's my first thought in the morning, my last at night-I dream about him. I feel his kiss on my lips, his arms around my body, his hands in mine. Without ever picturing what he looks like, I walk with him into the future. I'm so afraid that this is real, because if it is I might have to face it ending. I'm so afraid that this is a dream, because oh, I don't want to wake up. I anticipate our next conversation, and dread it, too. Because with each exchange I feel more connected to him, but with each exchange we come closer to breaking the bubble of the dream we've found together, of becoming real to each other in a very permanent way. It's exhilarating, frightening, maddening, wonderful, awful. I could go on for hours, but there are other things to attend to.
So why don't I get right along with those? Hmmm...I actually let a guy come over last night. Stone was here-not that he inspires any confidence in me, he's all talk, but his presence was comforting. And we went to a movie and all hung out. Well, the men hung out together and I hung out with Amethyst. And it was kewl, because he-and we'll call him Asparagus-seemed completely disinterested in me, at least physically. Until Stone went to sleep, when he "cuddled up" and started biting my neck. He didn't try anything, and stopped when I told him to, so it's all good. And I went to bed. But they were up and listening to football all morning this morning. Now, I'm not anti-football. I'm just a chic, and therefor it's not as interesting to me (and please, yes, I know it's a gender stereotype-they exist for a reason, and for a lot of them the reason is me-and again, I don't want anything about how that's "normal"-we all define things our own way). So they're both talking army shit and football and stuff that has absolutely no meaning to me, and trying to explain it to me and talk to me about it and I just DON'T CARE. I respect that they have interests outside of mine. As do I, outside of theirs. But I don't shove them in their faces and bore them to tears with them. *sigh* Why am I disappointed when I get yet another proof that no one's like me, when all I want is to be different anyway? I'm a walking conundrum. But I make SENSE. No one understands that. Well, maybe one, and hopefully another will get it soon.
Okay, moving right along.
I sometimes get really frustrated with Amethyst. She's three, I'm an "adult", naturally it's going to happen. But this weekend...I couldn't have asked for a better daughter. She's so GOOD, agreeable, friendly, polite, smart, interested, obedient-even though I don't expect her to be, and in fact encourage her not to. I just don't want her to take my word on it, just because I say so. If I tell her to do something and she asks "why" I consider that a perfectly acceptable exchange. She never says no, and in fact mostly just does it-especially if it's familiar, like "clean up your room". She likes cleaning, even asks me all the time to help with the dishes. *Rubbing my hands together evilly* Excellent. Because I only had her because I don't like housework. (And if this is necessary, my pointing out that that's a joke, go away. Read some teenager's blog about how stereotyping blondes "isnt rilly revelent bcuz were not all liike that.") Anyway, the point is, she's awesome. Undemanding, loving, perfectly three. And amazing. I swear this isn't just a mother's bias. She just rocks.
All right, more.
Rapping up a few unresolved issues-but not all, I'm not that benevolent ( at least not tonight)-Caramel is rarely online and when he is he doesn't talk to me. So no more him. Eggshell the same, but that's more than okay-I'm pretty sure it was just another horny little boy syndrome anyway. Mauve was supposed to come over one night maybe a month ago but never showed up and has not been in touch or online at all. So no more him. My critic doesn't email me anymore, not since he read my entry about him and asked why I hadn't given him a colour-to which I replied "what colour ARE you"-because I don't give colour until actual meetings in general. Royal's always online, so when I see him there during the day I set my status message to "Reminded of the mess you made of me as I clean." Not because I'm messed up over him, but because I think it's amusing. Obviously I've moved on. But I'm not above a little sadistic humour every now and then. Which reminds me-never ask how I'm teaching Amethyst the alphabet. Let's just say I'm going to be getting a LOT of phone calls from kindergarten. Hey, it's funny to me. No matter how wrong it is to the rest of the world. And-since this is a random tangent, I'll just add another one-Stone wants to get her all gothed up to go out with us to the mall sometime. My theory? "We'll see."
Okie day, then, I'm sure there's a ton more that I could write about right now, but I think I'm going to turn the tunes up, run a too hot bath and soak for a while with a glass of something alcoholic.
Laters
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