I'm all bad moody. Still in pain, too. And upset at myself for picking a fight with my love. Again. I AM fucking everything up. It's just the way I am. It's like I somehow decide what I want and then do my best to screw myself out of getting it. "A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?" Whatever. I hope he gets online soon. I have an early appointment, and I just need to talk to him before I go to bed.
I just feel horrible. I'm bitter and pissy and irritable. I'm not usually this way, but I just have been having too much bad shit go on. And I thought I could handle it. But lately, thinking about all the bad shit that's happened in my life...I just feel very attacked, very victimized. Like the whole world's picking on me.
Also, I'm almost actively female. Which means I'm SUPER...attention hungry. And my love is an ocean or two away. And he doesn't even want me. I mention the posibility of going to see him and he's just...not into the idea. Actively against it, even.
It doesn't help my mood at all that I didn't sleep for more than twenty minutes last night-and had nightmares again that entire time.
Whatever. I'm going to wait for my love as long as I can. Then sleep. Hopefully without dreams.
Laters