FUCK! I'm fucking everything up. Not surprising, I always fuck everything up. I hate waiting, I'm not a patient person. So I'm getting upset that he's waiting and he's getting upset that I keep asking him not to. He won't even let me do anything to help him. I hate being so fucking helpless. I hate being too in love and so fucking far away. And he's okay with that. He's just fine to sit over there in his little world of tomorrow and twiddle his thumbs and do NOTHING. How can he stand it? How can he know where I am, and not want to be with me? How can he be so afraid? Dammit, I'm not HER. I'm me, and the me that he loves is impatient as all fucking hell. And the he that I love is just as scared as I am impatient. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, fuck! I AM impossible. Impossible to live with, impossible to be in a relationship with. Impossible to love. I can't stop asking. I can't stop hoping. And all it's doing is pissing him off. *sigh* I suck.
AND he's telling me to go out and get physical attention from someone else. I don't WANT it elsewhere. I want it from him. And not only, that, but my LAST relationship was ruined when he told me to go get it from somewhere else. Men are so fucking ridiculous.
I'm upset. I feel like this relationship is all I am. Hell, he IS all I am. He's my world, my everything, my reason for living. But this is an every other day kind of thing. One day woohoo, the next boo hoo.
And then he keeps telling me to be selfish, and shooting me down when I try to be. The only thing I need to be selfish about is him. I do everything for everyone else. Hell, I'm losing my child and being put in a hospital for Slate. I'm giving my child to Stormy. I've moved all over the goddamned country for other people. Every decision in my life has been made for me. And that's been okay with me. I don't mind doing everything for everyone else. I just wonder when it's my turn to make a choice for myself. When do I get to live my life for me?
And then I have to work through this with my love. Because, impatient as I am, much as I hate waiting, I love him. I HAVE to wait. But, dammit, I don't have to like it. And I ALSO have to ask. And dammit, he doesn't have to like it, either.
I love him. He loves me. We work through this. And eventually we'll get to be together. I have to believe that.
Laters
AND he's telling me to go out and get physical attention from someone else. I don't WANT it elsewhere. I want it from him. And not only, that, but my LAST relationship was ruined when he told me to go get it from somewhere else. Men are so fucking ridiculous.
I'm upset. I feel like this relationship is all I am. Hell, he IS all I am. He's my world, my everything, my reason for living. But this is an every other day kind of thing. One day woohoo, the next boo hoo.
And then he keeps telling me to be selfish, and shooting me down when I try to be. The only thing I need to be selfish about is him. I do everything for everyone else. Hell, I'm losing my child and being put in a hospital for Slate. I'm giving my child to Stormy. I've moved all over the goddamned country for other people. Every decision in my life has been made for me. And that's been okay with me. I don't mind doing everything for everyone else. I just wonder when it's my turn to make a choice for myself. When do I get to live my life for me?
And then I have to work through this with my love. Because, impatient as I am, much as I hate waiting, I love him. I HAVE to wait. But, dammit, I don't have to like it. And I ALSO have to ask. And dammit, he doesn't have to like it, either.
I love him. He loves me. We work through this. And eventually we'll get to be together. I have to believe that.
Laters
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