I feel like I'm on a pendulum. "He loves me/He loves me not." I even had a dream that I got a flower with only one petal left on it and other petals scattered at the bottom tattooed on my back. With the words "He loves me not." It looked like the flower was crying, the last petal in the shape of a tear.
But he loves me. I know he does. I believe he does and I have faith in him and in us. I'm just scared and alone and hurt. It happens. I'm never strong for me, don't know how to be. And when I don't have anyone else to be strong for...I just sort of fall apart. I know everyone thinks I have to be strong for Amethyst, but so much of me thinks that if I'm weak enough, she'll be taken away to something better. Specifically Stormy. I know I love her. I just want what's best for her, and that's not me. At least not me by myself. But on the other hand. I'm all she's had. I'm all she's known consistently when so much in her life keeps changing, I'm the one who's always been there. And she loves me. And I love her. *sigh* WHY doesn't motherhood come with an instruction manual?
On another note, I found internet access. Other than at Stormy's I mean. And it's close enough to my house to walk. Not comfortably, but it CAN be walked to. And it's in a library, which as we all know is practically heaven for me. Or it would be if they had more books, more and newer. The only downfall of this internet is that I can't access any chat programs. Which means I can't talk to FireOpal-or anyone else, but still.
Anyway, Amethyst is acting like a psycho-or like the antichrist we all know and love-and I'm getting dirty looks from the other patrons and the chic running the place.
Laters
But he loves me. I know he does. I believe he does and I have faith in him and in us. I'm just scared and alone and hurt. It happens. I'm never strong for me, don't know how to be. And when I don't have anyone else to be strong for...I just sort of fall apart. I know everyone thinks I have to be strong for Amethyst, but so much of me thinks that if I'm weak enough, she'll be taken away to something better. Specifically Stormy. I know I love her. I just want what's best for her, and that's not me. At least not me by myself. But on the other hand. I'm all she's had. I'm all she's known consistently when so much in her life keeps changing, I'm the one who's always been there. And she loves me. And I love her. *sigh* WHY doesn't motherhood come with an instruction manual?
On another note, I found internet access. Other than at Stormy's I mean. And it's close enough to my house to walk. Not comfortably, but it CAN be walked to. And it's in a library, which as we all know is practically heaven for me. Or it would be if they had more books, more and newer. The only downfall of this internet is that I can't access any chat programs. Which means I can't talk to FireOpal-or anyone else, but still.
Anyway, Amethyst is acting like a psycho-or like the antichrist we all know and love-and I'm getting dirty looks from the other patrons and the chic running the place.
Laters
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