Well, here I am. In the middle of hell, as Stormy likes to put it. The amazing thing is that she's almost sort of trying to help. Okay, to be fair, that's not really all that amazing. She loves me. I know she does. It's just that we both know she's not able to provide what I end up needing-and mostly that's just attention. We're both such different people from the last time we were together. She's MARRIED. And for REAL married, not like my bullshit. And it's very obvious-to the whole world but especially to me because I know her so well and have been around her so long. So of course I'm jealous. But she's jealous of me because of Amethyst-I guess (I mean, I DO tell horror stories about my little antichrist)-so I suppose it all works out. Ish.
I'm a little freaky tonight. Actually, to be honest, I'm a lot freaky tonight. I'm upset and alone. And lonely. None of which would be so bad. Except that I expect to be this way for a long time. Nothing changes. Well, okay. To be fair, things DO change. Dramatically. And for the worse. Always for the worse, with me. But the only REAL things that change are the DETAILS of what's making me feel like shit. So I guess SOME things DON'T ever change.
I DID get up at the ass crack of dawn this morning to take a test. A job related test of some sort that Stormy sent me to. And the reason that I mention it is because I had an amusing moment. There was a sign outside the door saying something along the lines of "Please wait for the monitor." The test was suppose to start at eight. At quarter after I disregarded the sign and went in to sit down. Bad back, you know. *LoL* Well, she shows up at eight thirty five, goes into the room (I happened to be in the hallway at that point), SHUTS THE DOOR, and ten minutes later comes back out and says "I'm the monitor and I can read" nastily tapping the "please wait" sign. I'm in shock. I mean, what if some of us are unable to sit on the floor in a fucking HOT ass hallway but are required to sit SOMEHOW and the only chairs are inside? So what do *I* say? "I can read, too, and what *I* read is 'testing starts at eight'." *LoL* Yeah, she didn't say anything to me but she DID allow me to take the shitacular test. Which I'm assuming I aced. I always do. Of course the last time I issued a blanket statement I got called on it-remember "I'll never get caught"? So maybe I should take that back. Yeah, that'll happen.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
I miss Fire Opal. And in the more than week since I've been out of touch I've gotten a total of THREE emails. That doesn't work for me. I need LOTS more attention than that. I need to know that he's thinking about me every second of every day. I need him to love me, and lately I haven't been feeling as if he does. Quite the opposite, in fact. And KNOWING he loves me doesn't really help. I don't need PROOF-he can continue to not exist for as long as he chooses (and make no mistake it is a choice and it is HIS)-I just need...attention. I've been paying him as much attention as I possibly can-calling at all hours of the days and nights just to tell him I love him, but he doesn't see it that way because I talk to Atomic Tangerine more than I talk to him. Hell, at least she talks back. Which brings up another point. DAMN, I'm angry. At FireOpal. But he doesn't see that I love him still. All he sees is the anger, the frustration. So why am I angry? Let's start with Amethyst. Yeah, sure, he wants to be her daddy. And he's the only man that I'm ABLE, much less WILLING to share her with. But she's four. Four year olds don't GET that someone can exist without a voice or a presence. So basically, he wants her to love him because of me, because of the way I talk about him. He wants her to love a faerie tale. Also, he claims to be her father but he takes no responsibility for that role. Fathers-in my opinion, and this is DEFINITELY not based on personal experiences-should help raise their children, be a part of the childhood and upbringing. Not hide out in some third world country because they're afraid that they're too in love with the child's mother-or for some other trumped up inane reason that doesn't make any damned sense. Moving on. To Atomic Tangerine. She and I are friends. More than friends, really, but don't as ME how to exactly define it. We're family in a way that means more than blood related. And HE thinks that the only reason that she and I are friends is because of him. Talk about ARROGANCE! I mean, come on. That's just absurd. Also, she's kind of...fragile at the moment. She's having problems that he cannot help her with but that *I* can. And he refuses to let me. Like he WANTS to keep her in a perpetual state of unhealthiness. Like he's deciding her life for her. And yes, she's young, but she IS old enough to make some decisions for herself. Such as the decision of who to associate with and what SHE needs and/or wants to do with HER life. So WHY is he always getting in the way? Again, moving on. To ME, Sapphire. I deserve to be treated better by the man I love, the man who loves me back. I deserve to be talked to and met and kissed and held and a million other things that this man who REFUSES to exist to me doesn't do. And when I try to TELL him this he looks at it like I'm saying "I deserve better than you." When what I'm REALLY saying is "I deserve better FROM you." This is ridiculous. "The loving are the daring." How can I continue to believe he loves me when all I get is nothing and pain? Not even how CAN I, but why SHOULD I? *sigh* Because I love him. And I'd put up with a lot worse from someone that I love. I would and I have. And I do. He needs to be with me. But he WILL be and I know he will. And I'll wait, even though I'm impatient. I can wait for him. And he-very obviously-can wait for me. The thing that canNOT wait is Atomic Tangerine. She's in so much pain, pain that needs to be let go. She's going down fast and hard. I love her. I shouldn't have to sit idly by and watch her self-destruct. But I'm being forced to do so. Even though I know what to do and how to do it and I'm the ONLY ONE who can help. I'm the one she trusts. I'm the one she needs and I'm the one she's chosen. And I'm the one who can handle it; I'm the one who knows how. And most importantly, I'm the one who's WILLING. I'm in for the whole ride. The ride being the rest of my life. I'm not about to jump out; I'm not about to leave anyone behind. Well, okay, maybe the weak and stupid, but DEFINITELY not those I love.
*sigh* My one night with internet and what do I do? Whine about my life. Or lack thereof.
Laters
I'm a little freaky tonight. Actually, to be honest, I'm a lot freaky tonight. I'm upset and alone. And lonely. None of which would be so bad. Except that I expect to be this way for a long time. Nothing changes. Well, okay. To be fair, things DO change. Dramatically. And for the worse. Always for the worse, with me. But the only REAL things that change are the DETAILS of what's making me feel like shit. So I guess SOME things DON'T ever change.
I DID get up at the ass crack of dawn this morning to take a test. A job related test of some sort that Stormy sent me to. And the reason that I mention it is because I had an amusing moment. There was a sign outside the door saying something along the lines of "Please wait for the monitor." The test was suppose to start at eight. At quarter after I disregarded the sign and went in to sit down. Bad back, you know. *LoL* Well, she shows up at eight thirty five, goes into the room (I happened to be in the hallway at that point), SHUTS THE DOOR, and ten minutes later comes back out and says "I'm the monitor and I can read" nastily tapping the "please wait" sign. I'm in shock. I mean, what if some of us are unable to sit on the floor in a fucking HOT ass hallway but are required to sit SOMEHOW and the only chairs are inside? So what do *I* say? "I can read, too, and what *I* read is 'testing starts at eight'." *LoL* Yeah, she didn't say anything to me but she DID allow me to take the shitacular test. Which I'm assuming I aced. I always do. Of course the last time I issued a blanket statement I got called on it-remember "I'll never get caught"? So maybe I should take that back. Yeah, that'll happen.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
I miss Fire Opal. And in the more than week since I've been out of touch I've gotten a total of THREE emails. That doesn't work for me. I need LOTS more attention than that. I need to know that he's thinking about me every second of every day. I need him to love me, and lately I haven't been feeling as if he does. Quite the opposite, in fact. And KNOWING he loves me doesn't really help. I don't need PROOF-he can continue to not exist for as long as he chooses (and make no mistake it is a choice and it is HIS)-I just need...attention. I've been paying him as much attention as I possibly can-calling at all hours of the days and nights just to tell him I love him, but he doesn't see it that way because I talk to Atomic Tangerine more than I talk to him. Hell, at least she talks back. Which brings up another point. DAMN, I'm angry. At FireOpal. But he doesn't see that I love him still. All he sees is the anger, the frustration. So why am I angry? Let's start with Amethyst. Yeah, sure, he wants to be her daddy. And he's the only man that I'm ABLE, much less WILLING to share her with. But she's four. Four year olds don't GET that someone can exist without a voice or a presence. So basically, he wants her to love him because of me, because of the way I talk about him. He wants her to love a faerie tale. Also, he claims to be her father but he takes no responsibility for that role. Fathers-in my opinion, and this is DEFINITELY not based on personal experiences-should help raise their children, be a part of the childhood and upbringing. Not hide out in some third world country because they're afraid that they're too in love with the child's mother-or for some other trumped up inane reason that doesn't make any damned sense. Moving on. To Atomic Tangerine. She and I are friends. More than friends, really, but don't as ME how to exactly define it. We're family in a way that means more than blood related. And HE thinks that the only reason that she and I are friends is because of him. Talk about ARROGANCE! I mean, come on. That's just absurd. Also, she's kind of...fragile at the moment. She's having problems that he cannot help her with but that *I* can. And he refuses to let me. Like he WANTS to keep her in a perpetual state of unhealthiness. Like he's deciding her life for her. And yes, she's young, but she IS old enough to make some decisions for herself. Such as the decision of who to associate with and what SHE needs and/or wants to do with HER life. So WHY is he always getting in the way? Again, moving on. To ME, Sapphire. I deserve to be treated better by the man I love, the man who loves me back. I deserve to be talked to and met and kissed and held and a million other things that this man who REFUSES to exist to me doesn't do. And when I try to TELL him this he looks at it like I'm saying "I deserve better than you." When what I'm REALLY saying is "I deserve better FROM you." This is ridiculous. "The loving are the daring." How can I continue to believe he loves me when all I get is nothing and pain? Not even how CAN I, but why SHOULD I? *sigh* Because I love him. And I'd put up with a lot worse from someone that I love. I would and I have. And I do. He needs to be with me. But he WILL be and I know he will. And I'll wait, even though I'm impatient. I can wait for him. And he-very obviously-can wait for me. The thing that canNOT wait is Atomic Tangerine. She's in so much pain, pain that needs to be let go. She's going down fast and hard. I love her. I shouldn't have to sit idly by and watch her self-destruct. But I'm being forced to do so. Even though I know what to do and how to do it and I'm the ONLY ONE who can help. I'm the one she trusts. I'm the one she needs and I'm the one she's chosen. And I'm the one who can handle it; I'm the one who knows how. And most importantly, I'm the one who's WILLING. I'm in for the whole ride. The ride being the rest of my life. I'm not about to jump out; I'm not about to leave anyone behind. Well, okay, maybe the weak and stupid, but DEFINITELY not those I love.
*sigh* My one night with internet and what do I do? Whine about my life. Or lack thereof.
Laters
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