People comfort themselves, saying to others what they wish to hear. Telling each other and themselves that to contemplate insanity is to be sane, to wonder about evil is to be righteous, good. Bullshit, I say. I wonder if I'm evil, and I do not think that wondering makes it less so. I can look at my actions and thoughts, my words and memories and I can see the selfishness, the bitterness, the anger, the indignation behind much of it. Does that make me evil? I think not. But there are other things that do.
Anyway, the reason I'm thinking about this tonight is mostly Stormy. She's all bitter and pissy and not happy about being broke-a condition which of course can be blamed on ME. Oh, wait. I got ten dollars of groceries for the next two weeks and she and her husband can go out to dinner three times in one weekend. I SEE how I'm sucking her dry. And anyway, I sent her a LOT of money to set me up an apartment, most of which she spent to decorate HER apartment. Why? To impress upon my parents how much BETTER she is than they: how rich, how free, how young, how happy. Add to that the fact that *I* am the one who enabled her to GET her car when we lived together because I paid for all the taxes and first few months car payments. So in theory she OWES me money. Can I ever bring that up, point it out to either one of them? No, of course not. It's against the rules. The unspoken rules that apply to any and all interactions with Stormy. I even know EXACTLY how the conversation would go, can predict nearly verbatim what would be said on both sides. And the end result is that Stormy would be pissy/grumpy/upset and I would be feeling guilty. Like I said, sometimes it SUCKS being this intellectually gifted. No suspense.
And I can't ask for anything that SHE perceives as "extra". I HATE being this dependent on someone who's not dependent on ME for anything. I mean, it's different when living with a guy because he's obviously dependent on me for sex-or at least he'd BETTER be. And while I'm the only one she's really got, she'd manage without me. Yeah, her husband, but he doesn't KNOW her like I do; she's not as honest with him as she is with me. Yeah, she's got other friends, too, but again, she's not as honest and she doesn't keep in touch with them as well as she always has with me. And no one KNOWS her like I do, no one ever will. And her definition of "extra" is drastically different than mine. Like just because SHE doesn't use something on as consistent a basis as I do means that I shouldn't either. And she keeps saying "Why can't you just be me?" Which I know is a joke-partially. But she also means it, too. She's got this...attitude, this "I am all perfect and should be emulated" thing going on-an attitude that I know I am majorly responsible for instilling, but at the same time...well, I love her, but I think I should be allowed to be ME, and not a shallow version of her. Anyway, whenever she asks that I answer "Because I don't want to have sex with your husband." Which lightens up the atmosphere and lets her off the hook for being such a bitch. And she keeps APOLOGIZING for being so mean to me, like I'm so fragile or something. The thing is that I don't MIND her being a bitch-hell, I'm USED to it by this point-I just mind her knowing that it's irritating and something that should be apologized for and she keeps doing it anyway. That's apparently my pet peeve-I don't want any apologies, they're unnecessary to me. Just realize what you're doing and stop doing it, stop having to apologize for the same damned thing every minute of every day.
*sigh* I'm just irritable and pissy and actively female. Which of course is a good excuse for ranting, I know.
I know I'm an alcoholic, but I really do wish I had liquor here.
Laters