Okay, now that I'm assured that the proper people have stopped reading this, I can think to myself without editing. It's just that sometimes the things in my head could offend or upset and I don't want that. I don't go into THEIR heads.
Anyway, what IS going on in my head? *sigh* I'm not even sure.
FireOpal says this thing to me that's just SO...I don't even know what it is. God, I love him. I want to be with him. He's so busy; he's so far away. But he loves me. From the other side of the earth, he loves me. An inch or a mile, a mile or a continent, a continent or an ocean, an ocean or the other side of the world...the distance doesn't matter. What matters is that he's not with me. HOW can I love him like this? How can I love him SO MUCH without him ever being real to me? I'm confused.
When I was with Ruby, I was always looking for something more, hoping for something better. I loved him, yes. I wasn't in love with him, at least I don't think so. With FireOpal, I'm not doing that, not thinking that. I don't see other men as potential, as a possibility. I'm completely, totally, one hundred percent in love with him. He has my heart, all of it. I'm not looking for anything else; I'm just waiting for him. Making mistakes, sure. *sigh* Lots of mistakes.
Fucking a married man and accepting money for it. Yeah, I'm a whore. Allowing another guy, five years my junior, to come over and fuck me. Only it was degrading and awful. And painful. What kind of guy tries to shove his fist up a woman? Ow. And I allowed myself to be his doormat.
I'm sick in the head and fucked up beyond belief, but I don't want to be. I've actually discontinued my...liaisons with other men. Told many "no" using that exact word. Which is difficult for me. Has been damn near impossible. Something that I need to do, though. Much as I like to fuck, I'm sick of JUST fucking. I want to make love. To FireOpal. I want to be with him, to belong to him, only him, in every way. He doesn't believe that I'll never do this, never be with anyone else once I'm with him. I don't blame him. I've "cheated" on him with four different men. Why? As a punishment to him, partly. As a punishment to myself? I don't even know. He hurt me, I hurt him back. Yeah, it's wrong. I'm a vindictive bitch. I'm sorry-as I've said before-for being who and what I am.
Amethyst needs attention.
Laters
Anyway, what IS going on in my head? *sigh* I'm not even sure.
FireOpal says this thing to me that's just SO...I don't even know what it is. God, I love him. I want to be with him. He's so busy; he's so far away. But he loves me. From the other side of the earth, he loves me. An inch or a mile, a mile or a continent, a continent or an ocean, an ocean or the other side of the world...the distance doesn't matter. What matters is that he's not with me. HOW can I love him like this? How can I love him SO MUCH without him ever being real to me? I'm confused.
When I was with Ruby, I was always looking for something more, hoping for something better. I loved him, yes. I wasn't in love with him, at least I don't think so. With FireOpal, I'm not doing that, not thinking that. I don't see other men as potential, as a possibility. I'm completely, totally, one hundred percent in love with him. He has my heart, all of it. I'm not looking for anything else; I'm just waiting for him. Making mistakes, sure. *sigh* Lots of mistakes.
Fucking a married man and accepting money for it. Yeah, I'm a whore. Allowing another guy, five years my junior, to come over and fuck me. Only it was degrading and awful. And painful. What kind of guy tries to shove his fist up a woman? Ow. And I allowed myself to be his doormat.
I'm sick in the head and fucked up beyond belief, but I don't want to be. I've actually discontinued my...liaisons with other men. Told many "no" using that exact word. Which is difficult for me. Has been damn near impossible. Something that I need to do, though. Much as I like to fuck, I'm sick of JUST fucking. I want to make love. To FireOpal. I want to be with him, to belong to him, only him, in every way. He doesn't believe that I'll never do this, never be with anyone else once I'm with him. I don't blame him. I've "cheated" on him with four different men. Why? As a punishment to him, partly. As a punishment to myself? I don't even know. He hurt me, I hurt him back. Yeah, it's wrong. I'm a vindictive bitch. I'm sorry-as I've said before-for being who and what I am.
Amethyst needs attention.
Laters
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