Hatred
The sage said, "The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan
Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it.
~Joan Vinge
*sigh*
I'm defeated before I even begin. There are moments when I'm so close to forgiveness, my heart almost bursts with it. But there are moments when I'm so far away from it, my heart almost rots with bitterness.
Right now I'm at neither of these extremes. Right now I'm confused, with strong, deep undercurrents of pain. Even indifference seems unattainable...
Did you ever wonder if some people just feel TOO MUCH? I wonder that. I wonder if I'm one of them. Maybe I HAVE to feel, whether it be hatred or love, as long as it's not apathy or indifference. I can't remember ever feeling those. It must be nice to have them, though.
I despise myself for the negativity I feel. For the hatred I bear, the pain I let fester. But I'm doing SO much better. I remember a time...and it was only a year ago. But I'm not there anymore, and that girl with the knife to her wrist is alien to me. The girl I was has all but died. Now, I get frustrated, angry, horny, thrilled, giddy, amused...And I'm doing so well. So very VERY well, actually.
So why can't I let go of this hatred, of this pain, of these weights dragging me down below the surface, drowning me, and I can't breathe? How can I be doing so well, when under my skin seethes this bitterness? And why would my heart rather break than feel nothing? *I* want to feel nothing. Why can't I feel nothing?
*sigh, again*
I'm feeling very...existential? Yeah, that might be the word I'm looking for. Very removed, I should say. Like I'm drifting along in a sea of existence, watching myself live, feel, breathe. Like I'm lost on a map of the world, one of those huge globes that make you feel like an ant, really. And, in the grand scheme of things-IS there a grand scheme? (sorry, side note)-who ISN'T an ant? Maybe a bigger ant or a prettier ant. Maybe even a more important ant. But, in the end, still just an ant. And who knows? Maybe there are (creatures, beings, things?) out there that are to us as we are to ants. In the vastness of infinity, don't you think it might just be possible?
"The trouble with the rat race is: even if you win, you're still a rat."
"A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' replied the universe, 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'"
Laters
~Hazrat Inayat Khan
Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don't stand a chance against it.
~Joan Vinge
*sigh*
I'm defeated before I even begin. There are moments when I'm so close to forgiveness, my heart almost bursts with it. But there are moments when I'm so far away from it, my heart almost rots with bitterness.
Right now I'm at neither of these extremes. Right now I'm confused, with strong, deep undercurrents of pain. Even indifference seems unattainable...
Did you ever wonder if some people just feel TOO MUCH? I wonder that. I wonder if I'm one of them. Maybe I HAVE to feel, whether it be hatred or love, as long as it's not apathy or indifference. I can't remember ever feeling those. It must be nice to have them, though.
I despise myself for the negativity I feel. For the hatred I bear, the pain I let fester. But I'm doing SO much better. I remember a time...and it was only a year ago. But I'm not there anymore, and that girl with the knife to her wrist is alien to me. The girl I was has all but died. Now, I get frustrated, angry, horny, thrilled, giddy, amused...And I'm doing so well. So very VERY well, actually.
So why can't I let go of this hatred, of this pain, of these weights dragging me down below the surface, drowning me, and I can't breathe? How can I be doing so well, when under my skin seethes this bitterness? And why would my heart rather break than feel nothing? *I* want to feel nothing. Why can't I feel nothing?
*sigh, again*
I'm feeling very...existential? Yeah, that might be the word I'm looking for. Very removed, I should say. Like I'm drifting along in a sea of existence, watching myself live, feel, breathe. Like I'm lost on a map of the world, one of those huge globes that make you feel like an ant, really. And, in the grand scheme of things-IS there a grand scheme? (sorry, side note)-who ISN'T an ant? Maybe a bigger ant or a prettier ant. Maybe even a more important ant. But, in the end, still just an ant. And who knows? Maybe there are (creatures, beings, things?) out there that are to us as we are to ants. In the vastness of infinity, don't you think it might just be possible?
"The trouble with the rat race is: even if you win, you're still a rat."
"A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' replied the universe, 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'"
Laters
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