Clotting

Yesterday morning, Amethyst woke up complaining of nausea. As I try to hand her the Pepto, she starts vomiting. Blood.
We just got home from the hospital. I'm exhausted. I hadn't slept Sunday night, and obviously I didn't get much/any sleep in the hospital. My poor baby. She's feeling better, though. And as long as she stays hydrated, it shouldn't happen again. So yeah, I'm making her drink. Lots.
Maybe I can take a nap now...
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All Better

She's doing okay, not crying too much or anything. But she's just so...not well. You can tell she's feeling icky all the time, and she won't let me get more than an inch and a half away without following. She's sleeping in my bed with me, going to the bathroom with me, fixing food with me, and right now, she's blogging with me. Sometimes I'm glad she can't read. Right now I wouldn't mind because I'm talking just about her. She hasn't been sleeping well or much, hasn't been eating much. She's been trying to drink lots, but she's just so sore. I don't like it. Not the clingy part, I don't mind that at all. I don't like the her being sick part. She needs to be all better. She's my baby.
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Theme: Parenting

I dream. And when I dream, I see. I see myself, as I am, as I was, as I want to be, as I could have been, as I might be. And I see Amethyst, Amethyst as she is, in all her glory, her innocence, her maturity, her understanding, her childhood. I see Amethyst as I want her to be, as I imagine she might become. I see her smiling. I see her flying, arms stretched out over the horizon, embracing the world in her joy. That's what I want for her: joy. Boundless, endless, euphoric joy. Like any parent, I suppose; I want her to have what I never could.
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In Dreams...

I say, "my heart is hardened against him." I say, "I don't want him." I say, "I'm done and I just want to BE done." And it's true. And I believe it.
So why, when my mind is not my own, does he intrude? Why, when I spend the daylight hours thinking of anything else, do I spend the hours of darkness with him? And SUCH hours! It's kinda like...like I'm in his head. Kinda. Like all the things I know he does with her, he's doing with me instead. Only...I dunno how to describe it. It's so bizarre. There's the sex and the pain-even breast torture, which I hated. But there's more. And less, too. *sigh* I give up trying to describe it. I can't.
Once he told me something about entering other people's dreams, how he can do things like that. And it's got me wondering if he's doing that. And if so, why? He's so obviously done with me. Moved on and all that. Didn't take him long, either, not even two months. And after a year I'm still single. Then there's the random thoughts in my head, like is he imagining me when he's with her, and that's why I see/hear/experience those things? But that makes no sense, because she's all Wicca and slave-y and apparently better with him than I was.
Do you ever just feel like screaming out loud? Or is that just me?
Maybe it's just that I need closure, something more definite than what was. Maybe I'm just THAT masochistic...maybe I'm just fucked in the head. Who knows?
And, really, who cares?
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Whore I Am

So, it looks like I'mma be about two hundred short for bills and such this month. What with being out of work for two weeks because of Amethyst's surgery. So, who do I have to fuck to get that kind of cash? Any volunteers?
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