My Sister Is Insane

What does a one year old need with M&Ms with his name and birthday, a huge character cake, and petit-fours? And on MY daughter's birthday, even? *sigh*
Yes, we're having a combined party for the babies. Since their birthdays are so close and all. It was my idea, even. I should have known.
Yeah, I should have known...
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Whining

I'm older than I look, but younger than I should be. The poetry I write cries bloody tears, always begging for something, or something more. And because here is where I allow myself to express my pain, I am accused of 'whining'. Okay, then. I whine.
The parts of my life I live are ...comfortable. This is where I write; elsewhere I live. And that life is full and vibrant and busy as hell. Amethyst is beautiful, smart, and funny as hell. She sparkles even when she pouts, her eyes so wide and so nearly innocent. Behind the deep brown of them you can see the twinkle of intelligence, the glint of knowing how she's got mommy wrapped right around her finger. Some might call that manipulation. They're right, of course, but really it's just practice for her. She IS, after all, the antichrist.
My job sucks, of course. It's a job, it's not supposed to be fun and games. I've got total job security, though, because not only am I damned good at what I do, but I'm the only one who can do it on the shift I work. It can get stressful, especially since we're taking on more clients than we can probably handle. But I just got a raise, eight and a half percent. I make good money, I can pay my bills, keep Amethyst in Tae Kwon Do, and plan big, expensive trips to DisneyWorld. End of May, and Stormy and her husband and my nephew are coming, too. I'm endeavoring to pay off the shit from LA, but it's difficult to track down everything AND it's not exactly on the top of my list to show up there and get arrested for the bench warrants I'm sure have been issued for me. But, financially I'm doing much better than okay.
I can't think about men or dating right now. First of all I'm far too busy, working all the time and hanging out with Amethyst every other waking minute. Sex is few and far between, and the last one kinda got clingy and completely insane. He's off getting some kind of medical treatment, and I'm hoping he'll be gone long enough to either forget me or at least expect me to have moved on. Any time over a week, ya think? LoL Anyway, I'm much better off where I am right now. Nothing can be worse than my last relationship, after all.
So...I love my daughter and I love my life. I'm not perfect, and I've never claimed to be. I've got pain, but I've also got joy. Here is the pain. Most of you don't know me, and I don't give a fuck about the ones who do. Time passes and I heal. More time passes. And I heal.
Oh, and less than a month until Amethyst turns seven. Around the same time, my nephew, Aquamarine, turns one. Yay, birthdays!
I have some new movies to watch. I just love shopping!
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And the Wound Bleeds Anew

Kiss me, kill me.
Either works right now...
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My Sentiments, Exactly

"Is this what you've become
Where did all your animosity come from
Your words still keep me up at night
I try to sleep but it's a useless fight
Tell me what didn't I do for you
To deserve this torture that you put me through
You drove your nails into my heart
Now you wonder why our love was torn apart
Is this my cross to bear
To believe you when you say that you never cared
You always said you wanted more
But you never never said these vicious things before
Where's the one I used to love
It was never good enough
Feel my anger, feel my betrayal
As a martyr you have failed
Take my blood, take my tears
I have nothing more to fear
I should turn the other cheek
My anger makes me weak
My crucifixion has begun
I watch in pain as you come undone
My crucifixion has begun
You tear me down so you can nail me up"

"I believe I double double take a thousand times a day
No matter where I go I always think I just saw your face
And every time I realize I'm wrong
A part of me still can't believe you're gone
With everyone in my life I'm obligated to explain
Who I am, what I said, what I meant, why I feel this way
But you knew more about me than I knew myself
I'll never find the same in anyone else
Remember how the days and nights started to feel the same
Time had a way of stopping when I cried out your name
But the voice I just heard made my blood run cold
In the blink of an eye your heart just turned to stone
When you left all my friends told me that I should move on
That I deserve better than you
Sometimes I wish you'd died then I could grieve in peace
And everyone would understand the pain I'm going through
When you left me you never even said goodbye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why
I'd feel so much better off with you dead
Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame god instead"

And three reading this will think "She's talking about me." News flash: I'm not.
Laters

Losing My Religion

"It seems a cold world without something...more."
"On the contrary, it is a better world. A world where we are responsible for our own actions, where we can be kind to one another because we want to and because it is the right thing to do instead of being frightened into behaving by the threat of divine punishment. I won't tell you what to believe. It is far better to be taught to think critically and then be allowed to make your own decisions than to have someone else's notions thrust upon you."

But then there's the thought that "so many people can't be wrong". Fallacious reasoning, that. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups...
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Sex is...

He kisses me behind my ear, in the hollow right behind the lobe. That and his hand on my hip make me shiver. Now, if his arm would wrap around my neck, his teeth added to the gentle kiss. His leg in between my legs, lifting me up, having me ride it. Pushed up against the nearest wall, his weight solid against me, no escape. Mouths on mouths and tongues tangled with tongues and there I am, horizontal again. Now all I want to do is ride the waves of pain and pleasure to its conclusion, preferably a conclusion for us both. Sex is sex, the more the better...
I'm out of my mind.
Laters