The Colours of My Pain

Most people, when they think about pain, think about reds and blacks. Not I. When I'm in pain, I see yellow, orange, sometimes green. When I'm in pain, everything seems to be bathed in light, but not clearly - like you've turned up the brightness on your TV during a dark scene, and though it doesn't help with the details at least it's brighter. Streaks of these colours, this orange-y yellow. And when it's coming right at me, when I know I'm going to faint or at least collapse, there might be a green ring, like what you might see if you close your eyes too tightly and press your hands into them. And even that is greenish/yellow/orange. My pain comes in patterns, bright, vibrant colours clashing on paisley, stripes, polka dots, flowers, waves. One pattern slamming against the next which slams into the next which increases the intensity tenfold, a thousandfold.
I was on my way to visit Stormy, see my baby, see my sister. I couldn't see through the pain, and the medicines I have to take for it are narcotics, sleepy pills. Only Valium, such a weak one, comparatively. I'm so weary all the time, having to take more and more drugs with less and less result. So I was on my way and I stopped, unable to continue, unable to breathe/think/move. Half a bottle of pills, not to harm myself, just to sleep, to sleep while the pain slammed my body through the colours and patterns it was going to go through anyway. Half a bottle of pills and I woke a day later to find my body had betrayed me. I hadn't slept long enough, and the pain was no less.
How do you fight an enemy who fights in so many colours, who uses your own body against you? With half a bottle of pills and an overload on caffeine. Fuck it, there were things to be done.
Amethyst now has an entirely new wardrobe for summer. Anyone need any little girl clothes size 10/12?
Laters

Haunted by My Yesterdays

A request from a ghost found me sorting through my past. Not sorting, really, just looking. And the first thing I find is this, from my sister to my lover:

Why are you such a jackass?? I mean really? It is my belief, and I could be wrong (on some planet), that you are a complete and total liar. Everything you spew out of your stupid mouth is pure shit. I can’t even begin to imagine where this crap comes from. And you think this bull shit you make up is helping and charming and it means something. Even IF, and that’s a pretty damn big if, everything you said was true, telling her the things that you do makes her feel like shit. I’m tired of hearing her cry because of you. And she doesn’t even tell you how you’re killing her inside. You want her to wait and be patient. WHAT THE FUCK FOR??? Why are you so goddamn worth it??? You are the worst kind of asshole. Leading her on like you do. You make me sick. You’re making her crazy. You should just go and crawl back into the hole from whence you came.

I love my sister. Not because she was so goddamned RIGHT about everything, but because she didn't revel in the 'I-Told-You-So's for TOO terribly long afterwards.
And then there was Raven. He caught me when I broke, he just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I couldn't love him. But he fed me my addiction and his presence and I took comfort from him in all the wrong ways. I guess we both learned.
Anyway, Stormy was right about that, too. My sister...gotta love her. And one of these days I'mma kidnap her son...LoL
Laters