What am I looking for?
I'm looking for my first love-exactly the same, but different this time. I'm looking for something better when what I had was perfect. I'm looking for a man who can understand why I cry, even when I don't-and understand why I laugh, too. I'm looking for someone who knows what it's like to regard everything as pointless, and be cynical and jaded because of it, but still have vast stores of hope-or if he doesn't know, at least he understands that about me. I'm looking for someone so completely compatible with me -not the same, not opposite, merely completely compatible- that we know there is no one else for each other. I'm looking for someone who would never read my diary, whether or not I told him not to, out of respect for me. I'm looking for someone who understands that I'm not looking at all, merely hoping with all that I am. I'm looking for someone who's looking for me the same way. I'm looking for someone who understands my need for my barriers, while breaking them down and looking through them-and then who shows me that I have no need for them after all. I'm looking for someone I can trust with who I am, because so far no one truly knows, and only one has a hint. I'm looking for someone who sees who I am, who I was, and who I want to be as the same glorious person. I'm looking for someone who can save me from the woman I never wanted to be yet somehow have become. I'm looking for someone who'll forgive me that hundred thousandth time, and let me screw up again. And again. I'm looking for a friend to start, a boyfriend or playmate if that seems appropriate, and a partner in crime if he can handle it. I'm looking for someone who will worship me and allow himself to be worshiped by me. I'm looking for someone who will be a great father to my children. I'm looking for someone who will father my children. I'm looking for someone with whom I will be comfortable experimenting in the bedroom. I'm looking for someone who sees me as beautiful, despite all my flaws. I'm looking for someone who's not afraid of me or intimidated by me. I'm looking for someone who can show me the world just by talking about it and wishing to go. I'm looking for someone who will introduce me to the world. I'm looking for someone who knows that whether or not we actually do something, we still need to talk about it as if it could happen. I'm looking for someone with whom I can argue, even fight. I'm looking for someone who knows that even though we're fighting we're still in love. I'm looking for someone who will consent to what I want in a wedding because all he wants is one that will make me his wife. I'm looking for someone with enough character to get out of bed, enough commitment to move into action, and enough discipline to follow through. I'm looking for someone who would rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity. I'm looking for someone who reads it all, even when it gets this long. I'm looking for someone who would help me move the bodies. I'm looking for someone who could break my heart and scatter it across creation, but who never would. I'm looking for someone to whom I can give my heart, because he's worthy of it. I'm looking for someone who plays my game, breaking all the rules without hurting me. I'm looking for someone to love with all that I am, was, and ever will be, because I have more love in me than than the rest of the multiverse combined. I'm looking for stability. I'm looking for honesty. I'm looking for the rest of my life.
Laters