I have about a hundred thousand thoughts going on in my head right now. And I need to work through them because DAMN, they're giving me a headache.
So first-I didn't take my medicine last night. I just wanted to go to sleep and not think anymore. So of course, I woke up in agony. Great beginning to the day.
Okay...Blonde came over last night. I'd IMed him because his status said that he was depressed and I wanted to see if he needed to talk about anything. Then he came over-even though I told him not to. And he just wouldn't quit. It was incredibly difficult to explain to him that I didn't want to be with him, I only wanted to be with my love. But I was able to convince him and he left without us really doing anything. And then I had a horrible conversation with my love and wanted to be all bitter and vindictive and call Blonde over again. But I didn't, and I won't. I think these things, all sorts of horrible things I can do to people, but I never do them.
Magenta's been trying to call, but I was out-all day yesterday with Slate and then with just Amethyst. She wants to know what's up with me and I just don't have the words-not really even for myself.
Stormy's having an EXCELLENT Valentine's Day-her husband even got her a full carrat diamond necklace. AND they dressed all up and are having a night out on the town. I'm so happy for her. And she's just giddy. She's cute.
It's raining here. A dreary, gloomy day. Which suits my mood, but not the day. *sigh*
And my love...I don't even know what to say about it. I don't know what to fucking THINK. I made the horrible mistake of wanting him to call me, just to hear his voice, just to let him hear me tell him I love him. And just fifteen seconds would have sufficed for me. Of course, I would have wanted more-I ALWAYS want more-but I would've been better than phenomenally happy just for that. But he couldn't or wouldn't do that. Is it crazy to want to be with the man I love on a day that was CREATED to celebrate love? He told me that he wanted to send me flowers. Roses, of course. But he didnt, even though he has my address. And he won't even tell me what COUNTRY he's in. Do I want to know? Of course! But do I need to? No-just knowing that he exists somewhere in creation is good enough for me. He could be emailing from the moon for all I care. So what's the problem? The problem is that he's been hurt before. And he doesn't trust me. He doesn't even really believe that I love him. He's afraid to really believe that he loves me. He is my everything. I've given him my everything-everything that I am, that I want, that I love. Everything that I have been or could be. He has it all. And yet, he's afraid to give me even his voice. Even today. Although by now it's no longer V Day where he is. And it's something I have to accept-because I can't give up on this. I could never turn my back on the kind of love I have with him. I've never found it before, never thought I could. It's not the kind of thing that comes along more than once in a lifetime. So I have to accept it. And what's go goddamned fucking FRUSTRATING is that I don't understand it. I know that he's been hurt. And I wish that I could take that away from him-after all, if there's anything my life has proven, it's that I'm more capable of suffering than anyone else alive. But I've been hurt too. It nearly killed me as it nearly killed him. That part I understand, that part I get. I can even get that he's reluctant to try again. What I DON'T get is that it's ME. It's US. What we have is more and better than anything either of us have experienced before. What I don't get is that I'M NOT HER. But I might as well be. I want to just send him my phone number, and hope that he'll call. Even deliberately not get online tonight to meet him, so it's either call or nothing. I want to FORCE him to be brave, to trust me, to love me, to be with me even in that simple, little way. I want to shake him and hit him over the head with the message that I am a completely different person than she who hurt him. But I can't, and my heart hurts for lack of him. For not being able to tell him because even if I did, he wouldn't believe. Maybe even couldn't believe. And I know that even if I did that, even if he had that number and I wasn't there on the other end of the computer...he still wouldn't call. And that would kill me. So I won't. So I take this at his (nearly nonexistent) pace. Even though I want nothing more than him, forever. Even though I want to rush into this, be swept up by it and lost in it and taken away by it. I just have to accept that I might HAVE to wait until the end of the world for him. And hope that he loves me enough not to make me. I love him. It's all I can do.
Laters
So first-I didn't take my medicine last night. I just wanted to go to sleep and not think anymore. So of course, I woke up in agony. Great beginning to the day.
Okay...Blonde came over last night. I'd IMed him because his status said that he was depressed and I wanted to see if he needed to talk about anything. Then he came over-even though I told him not to. And he just wouldn't quit. It was incredibly difficult to explain to him that I didn't want to be with him, I only wanted to be with my love. But I was able to convince him and he left without us really doing anything. And then I had a horrible conversation with my love and wanted to be all bitter and vindictive and call Blonde over again. But I didn't, and I won't. I think these things, all sorts of horrible things I can do to people, but I never do them.
Magenta's been trying to call, but I was out-all day yesterday with Slate and then with just Amethyst. She wants to know what's up with me and I just don't have the words-not really even for myself.
Stormy's having an EXCELLENT Valentine's Day-her husband even got her a full carrat diamond necklace. AND they dressed all up and are having a night out on the town. I'm so happy for her. And she's just giddy. She's cute.
It's raining here. A dreary, gloomy day. Which suits my mood, but not the day. *sigh*
And my love...I don't even know what to say about it. I don't know what to fucking THINK. I made the horrible mistake of wanting him to call me, just to hear his voice, just to let him hear me tell him I love him. And just fifteen seconds would have sufficed for me. Of course, I would have wanted more-I ALWAYS want more-but I would've been better than phenomenally happy just for that. But he couldn't or wouldn't do that. Is it crazy to want to be with the man I love on a day that was CREATED to celebrate love? He told me that he wanted to send me flowers. Roses, of course. But he didnt, even though he has my address. And he won't even tell me what COUNTRY he's in. Do I want to know? Of course! But do I need to? No-just knowing that he exists somewhere in creation is good enough for me. He could be emailing from the moon for all I care. So what's the problem? The problem is that he's been hurt before. And he doesn't trust me. He doesn't even really believe that I love him. He's afraid to really believe that he loves me. He is my everything. I've given him my everything-everything that I am, that I want, that I love. Everything that I have been or could be. He has it all. And yet, he's afraid to give me even his voice. Even today. Although by now it's no longer V Day where he is. And it's something I have to accept-because I can't give up on this. I could never turn my back on the kind of love I have with him. I've never found it before, never thought I could. It's not the kind of thing that comes along more than once in a lifetime. So I have to accept it. And what's go goddamned fucking FRUSTRATING is that I don't understand it. I know that he's been hurt. And I wish that I could take that away from him-after all, if there's anything my life has proven, it's that I'm more capable of suffering than anyone else alive. But I've been hurt too. It nearly killed me as it nearly killed him. That part I understand, that part I get. I can even get that he's reluctant to try again. What I DON'T get is that it's ME. It's US. What we have is more and better than anything either of us have experienced before. What I don't get is that I'M NOT HER. But I might as well be. I want to just send him my phone number, and hope that he'll call. Even deliberately not get online tonight to meet him, so it's either call or nothing. I want to FORCE him to be brave, to trust me, to love me, to be with me even in that simple, little way. I want to shake him and hit him over the head with the message that I am a completely different person than she who hurt him. But I can't, and my heart hurts for lack of him. For not being able to tell him because even if I did, he wouldn't believe. Maybe even couldn't believe. And I know that even if I did that, even if he had that number and I wasn't there on the other end of the computer...he still wouldn't call. And that would kill me. So I won't. So I take this at his (nearly nonexistent) pace. Even though I want nothing more than him, forever. Even though I want to rush into this, be swept up by it and lost in it and taken away by it. I just have to accept that I might HAVE to wait until the end of the world for him. And hope that he loves me enough not to make me. I love him. It's all I can do.
Laters
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