This Doesn't Happen to Normal People

But what DOES happen to normal people? Email: iamthecoloursapphire@yahoo.com

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

I'm unusually sad today. I don't know why. I think it has at least something to do with that Slate is in uber cleaning mode and he's usually pissy at me when he gets that way. That and my love is so far away. I mean, it's already one in the afternoon TOMORROW where he is. And there's another thing. I'm feeling VERY physical lately. I know why, it's because I want to be with my love. But...I keep having these dreams in which I allow myself to be physical with someone else. I desperately need physical attention, I crave it, it's somehow NECESSARY for me. But I don't want that with ANYone other than my love. Plum was supposed to come over last night. And even though we're just friends and all that...I was relieved when he said he couldn't make it. I need to get out of this mode before I can be around any other man. Not because I think I would do anything. But I'm afraid I would. I'm very weak. And also...well, ever since Thanksgiving, it's like I can't say no. Because if I DO say no and they keep going anyway, I'm right back there. I'm AFRAID to say no. I hate this feeling of...of being the fucking victim. I want to be strong and hold my head up high and all that. I want to be this strong, independent woman that so many people see me as. But I'm not. And I don't know how to be.
I have to go read an email now. Before I start to cry.
Laters