I realized something today. I've lost the conversation with my knight in which he proposed. Stupid me, didn't check the settings and all that. Which sucks, on the one hand. But on the other...I'm kind of relieved. Now I CAN'T go back and pine away, reading the past and reliving it. I tend to hang on to things too long. It is my nature. But I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I do only have my experiences to draw from when starting anything new. The things that happened...the things I did wrong. The things he did wrong-Ruby, I mean. The things we did wrong together. But also the things that were right. And the way in which they turned sour. I'm so afraid that things will go that way again. I want to rush into this thing, make it complete before it can become too real. So that when it does get real-and flawed-we are committed to the us, we have that motivation to work through it. I fucked up so badly last time-worse than badly, I was horrible, horid, revolting, evil. Which is not to say that it was all my fault. But I own my share of the blame. Will I return to my evil ways? I don't want to. I actively want NOT to. I don't know how to be the person I want to be. I don't know how to be the person I want to be for him. I don't know how NOT to be the person I don't want to be, the person I'm afraid I've become. But on the other hand-and isn't there ALWAYS another hand?-I want him to be comfortable with all this, to be sure, to trust me and to love me as I do him. And all that takes time. Time I'm willing to commit. Impatient as I am, I'd wait til the end of the world for him. And hang around afterwards, should that not be long enough. I'm drunk on this, intoxicated by it.
I'M IN LOVE!!!
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