This is from last night, but for some reason I couldn't fucking get to blogger:
Okay, this might be a long one. I have a lot going on in my head tonight.
First of all, I've been trying to take myself out of all the online personal things. Which is something that I'm sure most people are embarrassed about, but I'm okay with it. I figure the more intelligent are online anyway. But the thing about these personal sites is that you CAN'T take yourself totally out of them. All you can do is hide your profile-to come back at a later date and activate it again. Now, this is amusing to me. Why? Because they all advertise "this is the way to find TRUE love!!-but if you do, don't leave our site because hell, it'll probably end anyway". Yeah. That's what I think.
What else am I thinking about? Oh, yeah. Tuesday night is my TV night. And my favourite show at the moment is this morality drama about a 'dirty' cop. What I like about it is that it doesn't preach about the morality of it. It doesn't throw in your face the 'these are bad deeds' bullshit. It leaves it up to the viewer to decide whether this is a good man who does bad things or a bad man who does good ones. And it's so far really excellent about him walking the line of getting caught. The thing is, it's POPULAR-and I mean ratings are through the roof. The guy even won an award for best actor. So he CAN'T get caught-because there goes the show. On the other hand, how long can it last? I mean, after a certain point there's only so much of 'he almost got caught but by some fluke or other got away with it' that we can take without it getting monotonous or just plain too far out. That'll come later, though. Right now, I really like it.
I'm also thinking about my love. How can I not think about my love? He's my every thought. Everything I do I wish he were doing with me, from the absolutely thrilling to the dully mundane. And it's already six/eight in the evening tomorrow where he is. So far away...yet completely in my heart. I love him. I can't help it, I'm in love with him. I love the way we are together. I love every little thing about him. He is my life, my love, my friend...he is my everything.
I have to do my dishes. I keep putting it off and now it's just to the gross phase. Don't get me wrong, I perfer a clean house. But the DISHES...somehow they just always pile up. And the thing is, none of them are mine. Because I rarely eat. And Amethyst is just...well, four. Almost four. Whatever.
I had a talk with Slate today. Told him how my feelings were hurt at him kicking me out. It's not even that he's kicking me out, it's that he's so willing to do so even if it means me losing my daughter and probably being put in the hospital-with broken everything. I don't think he doesn't CARE about me. I just think that he hates Amethyst and is sick of me. And is more than a little selfish-but I've told him that, too. It just hurts my heart that I'm willing to do everything for everyone else, and so few are willing to do anything for me-even at the cost of my health, or possibly even my life. And still I forgive and bend over to take it up the ass once again. Although that's a very appropriate image, coming from Slate.
I'm biting my nails again. I can't stop. I'm used to it and it's all part of my oral fixation thing...I know they look prettier when they're all long. But it's a habit I can't yet break. Besides, it goes in cycles. Sometimes they grow out for a while and sometimes I bite them down to nubs.
Ah, yes. I found something today. And I was surprised at how little it meant to me. The past IS in the past, and is going to stay there. Even for me, who all but can't let go. Except aparently I have. Good. But it was news to me.
Amethyst is excited about her birthday on Monday. I'm going to make Slate be nice to her and do all sorts of fun things with us no matter how much she acts up. Because it's her birthday, dammit. And I have an appointment that morning, so I figure he can meet me with her somewhere fun. Like the zoo or the arcade or...well, I'll let HER decide. So there.
I love movies. I know I'm a flawed, lazy bitch, but movies are fun. AND one is coming out sometime soon with my favourite actor. Speaking of favourite actors, my favourite lust object has been on this TV show that I never watch. And from the previews, I'm glad I don't, because he's too...clean cut in it. He was much sexier as a kind of hot vengence saint. AND in that one, he had a sexy as hell accent. Yes, chics are all about the accent. I wonder if my love has an accent...*I* used to have an accent. A southern drawl. Which was great when I was living in the north and got pulled over for speeding all the time-with my southern driver's license. And all I had to do was put my innocent little hand on my innocent (not so little) chest and flutter my innocent little eyelashes and declare in my innocent little voice "why officer, I have no iDEa why you pulled me ovah!" with the little half shrug. Worked every time. And what's even more amusing is that they ALL called me a 'charming young lady' and warned me never to do it again. Hehehe. There are so many reasons I love being female. Not the least of which is that men are so easy. (Oh, and I could SO write a better horror/suspense movie than the crap that's on right now.)
Oh, and the god thing. That makes it sound horrible-'the god thing'. But it's strange how it keeps coming up recently. The people from my parents' religion came by yesterday, wanting to know if I'd go to church with them. And they asked if I had any questions they could look up for me. I asked them if they had about sixteen notebooks and about three days. *sigh* I don't know why I get so...touchy when the subject of religion comes up. I'm definitely a 'to each his own' kind of girl. But...so much of me wants so badly to believe. In god, in religion, in the little details of faith. And now I find out that my love is christian. And that it's a big part of his life. What do I think about that? I don't know. I want to be part of his life, of every aspect of it. I want my child to be raised with faith. I want to have more children to be raised the same way. But there's so much that I have to work throughfor myself first. And I've been wanting to for a while, it's just been...well, difficult to do and easy to put on the back burner, to make less than a priority. Only now...now I have motivation, a reason to evaluate and examine my ideas on the subject. I love him.
My love showed up online while I was in the middle of writing this. It was a great surprise, because his internet has been having problems-like that he doesn't have unlimited internet and has spent more than eighty hours online with me, and they cut him off. But he called and convinced them that he was an upstanding young gentleman-or something like that, he says he dropped names and has connections. I wish *I* had connections. Anyway, so we're talking and his best friend/ex-girlfriend is having issues. I don't know anything about this girl, other than the few emails we've exchanged. But I told my love that it might be possible that she wanted more than friendship with him and that he needed to talk to her. He was STILL going to hang around online with me, but I convinced him that was inappropriate, and he needed to be with his friend. He'll be back later, if he can. And I'll wait for as long as I can, as I've not taken my medicine yet. I'm about to, but it takes a little while for it to take effect. I just love him. And he's so impressed that I'm so understanding. How could I not be? If he's concerned about his friend, he needs to be with her. That just makes sense to me. I'm not being noble. I'm just being human. And in love.
Laters
Okay, this might be a long one. I have a lot going on in my head tonight.
First of all, I've been trying to take myself out of all the online personal things. Which is something that I'm sure most people are embarrassed about, but I'm okay with it. I figure the more intelligent are online anyway. But the thing about these personal sites is that you CAN'T take yourself totally out of them. All you can do is hide your profile-to come back at a later date and activate it again. Now, this is amusing to me. Why? Because they all advertise "this is the way to find TRUE love!!-but if you do, don't leave our site because hell, it'll probably end anyway". Yeah. That's what I think.
What else am I thinking about? Oh, yeah. Tuesday night is my TV night. And my favourite show at the moment is this morality drama about a 'dirty' cop. What I like about it is that it doesn't preach about the morality of it. It doesn't throw in your face the 'these are bad deeds' bullshit. It leaves it up to the viewer to decide whether this is a good man who does bad things or a bad man who does good ones. And it's so far really excellent about him walking the line of getting caught. The thing is, it's POPULAR-and I mean ratings are through the roof. The guy even won an award for best actor. So he CAN'T get caught-because there goes the show. On the other hand, how long can it last? I mean, after a certain point there's only so much of 'he almost got caught but by some fluke or other got away with it' that we can take without it getting monotonous or just plain too far out. That'll come later, though. Right now, I really like it.
I'm also thinking about my love. How can I not think about my love? He's my every thought. Everything I do I wish he were doing with me, from the absolutely thrilling to the dully mundane. And it's already six/eight in the evening tomorrow where he is. So far away...yet completely in my heart. I love him. I can't help it, I'm in love with him. I love the way we are together. I love every little thing about him. He is my life, my love, my friend...he is my everything.
I have to do my dishes. I keep putting it off and now it's just to the gross phase. Don't get me wrong, I perfer a clean house. But the DISHES...somehow they just always pile up. And the thing is, none of them are mine. Because I rarely eat. And Amethyst is just...well, four. Almost four. Whatever.
I had a talk with Slate today. Told him how my feelings were hurt at him kicking me out. It's not even that he's kicking me out, it's that he's so willing to do so even if it means me losing my daughter and probably being put in the hospital-with broken everything. I don't think he doesn't CARE about me. I just think that he hates Amethyst and is sick of me. And is more than a little selfish-but I've told him that, too. It just hurts my heart that I'm willing to do everything for everyone else, and so few are willing to do anything for me-even at the cost of my health, or possibly even my life. And still I forgive and bend over to take it up the ass once again. Although that's a very appropriate image, coming from Slate.
I'm biting my nails again. I can't stop. I'm used to it and it's all part of my oral fixation thing...I know they look prettier when they're all long. But it's a habit I can't yet break. Besides, it goes in cycles. Sometimes they grow out for a while and sometimes I bite them down to nubs.
Ah, yes. I found something today. And I was surprised at how little it meant to me. The past IS in the past, and is going to stay there. Even for me, who all but can't let go. Except aparently I have. Good. But it was news to me.
Amethyst is excited about her birthday on Monday. I'm going to make Slate be nice to her and do all sorts of fun things with us no matter how much she acts up. Because it's her birthday, dammit. And I have an appointment that morning, so I figure he can meet me with her somewhere fun. Like the zoo or the arcade or...well, I'll let HER decide. So there.
I love movies. I know I'm a flawed, lazy bitch, but movies are fun. AND one is coming out sometime soon with my favourite actor. Speaking of favourite actors, my favourite lust object has been on this TV show that I never watch. And from the previews, I'm glad I don't, because he's too...clean cut in it. He was much sexier as a kind of hot vengence saint. AND in that one, he had a sexy as hell accent. Yes, chics are all about the accent. I wonder if my love has an accent...*I* used to have an accent. A southern drawl. Which was great when I was living in the north and got pulled over for speeding all the time-with my southern driver's license. And all I had to do was put my innocent little hand on my innocent (not so little) chest and flutter my innocent little eyelashes and declare in my innocent little voice "why officer, I have no iDEa why you pulled me ovah!" with the little half shrug. Worked every time. And what's even more amusing is that they ALL called me a 'charming young lady' and warned me never to do it again. Hehehe. There are so many reasons I love being female. Not the least of which is that men are so easy. (Oh, and I could SO write a better horror/suspense movie than the crap that's on right now.)
Oh, and the god thing. That makes it sound horrible-'the god thing'. But it's strange how it keeps coming up recently. The people from my parents' religion came by yesterday, wanting to know if I'd go to church with them. And they asked if I had any questions they could look up for me. I asked them if they had about sixteen notebooks and about three days. *sigh* I don't know why I get so...touchy when the subject of religion comes up. I'm definitely a 'to each his own' kind of girl. But...so much of me wants so badly to believe. In god, in religion, in the little details of faith. And now I find out that my love is christian. And that it's a big part of his life. What do I think about that? I don't know. I want to be part of his life, of every aspect of it. I want my child to be raised with faith. I want to have more children to be raised the same way. But there's so much that I have to work throughfor myself first. And I've been wanting to for a while, it's just been...well, difficult to do and easy to put on the back burner, to make less than a priority. Only now...now I have motivation, a reason to evaluate and examine my ideas on the subject. I love him.
My love showed up online while I was in the middle of writing this. It was a great surprise, because his internet has been having problems-like that he doesn't have unlimited internet and has spent more than eighty hours online with me, and they cut him off. But he called and convinced them that he was an upstanding young gentleman-or something like that, he says he dropped names and has connections. I wish *I* had connections. Anyway, so we're talking and his best friend/ex-girlfriend is having issues. I don't know anything about this girl, other than the few emails we've exchanged. But I told my love that it might be possible that she wanted more than friendship with him and that he needed to talk to her. He was STILL going to hang around online with me, but I convinced him that was inappropriate, and he needed to be with his friend. He'll be back later, if he can. And I'll wait for as long as I can, as I've not taken my medicine yet. I'm about to, but it takes a little while for it to take effect. I just love him. And he's so impressed that I'm so understanding. How could I not be? If he's concerned about his friend, he needs to be with her. That just makes sense to me. I'm not being noble. I'm just being human. And in love.
Laters
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