I think there are points at which I'd rather just be stupid and unaware of anything.
Anyway, I talked to Fire Opal last night. I used the last of my minutes, trying to get him to go to sleeep. And I don't know if it worked because he didn't talk. *sigh* I'm all confused. I like talking to him, I love letting him hear my voice and telling him I love him. And I don't think he owes me anything, I enjoy doing things for him, I love him. It's just...also, I want him to talk to me. I'm not saying that he owes me that because I've talked to him so many times, I'm not even saying "if he loved me, he'd talk to me". I'm not, I'm REALLY not. I just don't understand why he doesn't, why he hasn't, why he won't. Am I wrong? Am I horrible for being selfish and needy and wanting him so badly to be mine? Why CAN'T I be selfish? Every once in a while, just for a little thing or two? I do so much for everyone else. And I'm-again-not saying that anyone owes me anything because I do so much for them. I guess I'm just saying I wish more people were more like me, more giving and generous without wanting all those things back. But AM I like that? Am I all giving and generous? When all I'm thinking right now is wanting those things back, wanting people to treat me the same way? I don't think of things like that when I DO them, when I AM giving to people. It's just that later I remember that I DID and then I guess it enters my mind that they should do the same for me. I don't even know. Whatever, at this point. The fact of the matter is that I DO give to people and I DON'T get in return. And I still love them, and I'll still give, and I still won't understand. But I'll have to accept. Is the way of things.
I'm done rambling.
Laters