God, I don't even know what's going on in my head.
I'm thinking about Raven. And FireOpal. Of course. And what am I thinking? I'm thinking about all sorts of things. Like that FireOpal isn't going to show up on my birthday when I need him to. And thus I'm going to move in with Raven. Do I want to? NO. Very much no. I want to be with FireOpal. Which I have made no secret of to anyone, including to Raven. In fact, I'd rather commit suicide than live with him. I even have a plan. One that would work, AND give Amethyst and Stormy the insurance money. Of course, it would involve Raven. And he's had to deal with that sort of thing before. But he was younger, and obviously he's dealt with it. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty, though. I don't want to have him suffer, but damn. What about MY suffering? Why can't I just be selfish? Why can't I just not fucking care about who I hurt? Especially Raven, he hurts me. Literally. I want to. I want to be deliberately malicious. I don't love him. I never will. So I want to fucking hurt him, to make him realize that two out of three IS bad, that just because I've been with him doesn't mean that I like him, that I'll ever be with him again. Or that I ever wanted to be. Which I didn't. I just...allowed it to happen. Because why fucking not? He's not even a good lay. Not as bad as Ruby-hell it'd take a lot to be as bad as Ruby. Well, not a lot. I don't think there IS such a thing as as bad as Ruby. But he's still not anything close to great. And I think I'm done experimenting with this beating thing. So...yeah. I guess I have a plan.
Laters
I'm thinking about Raven. And FireOpal. Of course. And what am I thinking? I'm thinking about all sorts of things. Like that FireOpal isn't going to show up on my birthday when I need him to. And thus I'm going to move in with Raven. Do I want to? NO. Very much no. I want to be with FireOpal. Which I have made no secret of to anyone, including to Raven. In fact, I'd rather commit suicide than live with him. I even have a plan. One that would work, AND give Amethyst and Stormy the insurance money. Of course, it would involve Raven. And he's had to deal with that sort of thing before. But he was younger, and obviously he's dealt with it. Doesn't make me feel any less guilty, though. I don't want to have him suffer, but damn. What about MY suffering? Why can't I just be selfish? Why can't I just not fucking care about who I hurt? Especially Raven, he hurts me. Literally. I want to. I want to be deliberately malicious. I don't love him. I never will. So I want to fucking hurt him, to make him realize that two out of three IS bad, that just because I've been with him doesn't mean that I like him, that I'll ever be with him again. Or that I ever wanted to be. Which I didn't. I just...allowed it to happen. Because why fucking not? He's not even a good lay. Not as bad as Ruby-hell it'd take a lot to be as bad as Ruby. Well, not a lot. I don't think there IS such a thing as as bad as Ruby. But he's still not anything close to great. And I think I'm done experimenting with this beating thing. So...yeah. I guess I have a plan.
Laters
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