I don't know what's been up with Raven lately-and for some of it I sure as hell ain't complaining.
The part I'm NOT complaining about is that he's been all over me. Touching and rubbing and fondling and holding. Every time I bend over, he comes up behind me to rub against me. I like that. A lot.
The part I AM complaining about, though, is this still jobless thing. I'm sorry, but I do NOT want to live in my boyfriend's mother's house for ANY length of time, much less the EXTENDED length it's swiftly turning into. Extended and indefinite.
*sigh*
Anyway, he and I were up late last night. Working on a collage of Amethyst's pictures for school. It turned out fucking AWESOME-even if I did have to sacrifice some of the ones I liked. A poster board only has so much room, you know.
And now he's sleeping. We went to bed at the same time, but I had to get up and get Amethyst ready for school. And then drive his mother to work. And then clean up from last night's project. And then endeavour to wake him up so he could get the trash out before they came to collect it. And then take the trash out myself because the endeavour failed.
And now I'm just awake, at the computer, trying to think of something to say.
And I've got nothing.
Random thought for the day: If it weren't for my birth control, I'd have no clue what day it was.
Laters

Yep, sex this morning. Wasn't really in the mood-a rare occasion for me-but it was fun. I would've been more in the mood if we hadn't had so damned many things to do. But it was good.
Laters

I believe that what I'm going to start doing is keeping track. Of, you ask? Of sex. Yes, sex, the most delicious of all sins.
Now, I've been faithful to Raven-more or less. The less is a few encounters here and there, one or two harmless kisses and one bout of receiving oral sex. The more is that I've not actually fucked anyone else since I've been with him. Though, of course, there have been opportunities.
Okay...now keep in mind that this is the same guy who-just a year ago now-came to visit me and we fucked six or more times in twenty four hours. Not so much recently. Truth be known, I have a far higher sex drive than he does.
Anyway, yes ,we fucked tonight. Me on top, after he fingered me. Came when he fingered me (minor orgasm), didn't when we fucked due to the fact that his mother is asleep and we couldn't make too much noise (the bed banging against the wall doesn't exactly allow for extreme freedom of movement).
So that's a start. We'll keep track for say...a month. See where the tally is at that point. Who knows? Maybe it's more often than it's been seeming lately. Though the likelihood is rather the opposite, I'm optimistic.
Laters

If it's really love
You would follow it forever
Would you wander for me?
Even though you think I'm lost
And you know better
Would you wander for me?

This wandering is more than filling
Footprints right behind me
How far would you go outside
The lines just to find me
Letting go of anything that grounds us
Would you wander for me?
Even though there's darkness all around us
Would you wander for me?
'cause I'd wander for you

When you see that I am gone
To the edge and way beyond
Would you, would you, would you wander for me?

Doesn't matter where we are
We can be our northern star
Far above the earth and weather
Together

When you see that I am gone
To the edge and way beyond
Would you, would you, would you wander for me?
Would you wander for me?

If it's really love you'd follow it forever
Would you wander for me?

I'm here, wandering in hell. With you. For you. WOULD you wander for me?
Laters

Green Day: Good Riddance

Listening to music. Bored. Probably boring, too. *sigh*
Well, still in hell. Still homeless. And...too much.

Stormy had some things to say about my situation. Doesn't she always? But...I dunno. This time I listened. And she was right. And I tried to talk to him. And I cried. And nothing changed.
Laters

Letter to Raven

This morning I slept, dreaming of your face. The specific curve of your brow, the definite line of your nose. The length of your hair and the shape of your smile. The colour of your skin around your eyes-and the deepness of soul when you look at me from out of them. The texture of you under my wandering hand. The pressure of your kiss, and the way your beard has of tickling me. Everything uniquely you.
And then I woke up. And there you were. Not kissing me. Not looking at me. Not there with me at all.
Where are you these days? When you kiss me, do you feel me? Do you even know I'm here?
Under pressure...yes. I know that place. I'm there, too. Where do you go to get away from it? Tell me. I want to know.
Laters

You know what? Being here around Raven's family makes me greatly appreciate my own. Yeah, we're dysfunctional, but we're always there for each other, no matter what. No matter the inconvenience, no matter the distance, no matter the problem. His? It wouldn't even be an inconvenience to help us, and certainly the distance wouldn't be an obstacle. But no. They're all about screwing each other around and fucking them up the ass. Except for his brother. He's been more than decent all the way around. But his mother basically just stole twelve hundred dollars from him and won't even help us get a place to stay, his sister drove her RV off into neverland so we can't even stay there for a few weeks, and his dad calls and bitches because we have a problem with all that. Fuck this shit, man. God, you have NO idea.
Laters

When did I get into the handbasket?
Laters

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday, dear...self. Happy Birthday to me.

Only it's not. I don't know how much more I can complain about the same things. It's starting to get irritating.
Anyway, at least Amethyst is being super cute and sweet today.
Laters

Oh, and speaking of (nearly), my birthday is in two days. Anyone want to party with me in hell?
Laters

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in hell. I'm paying for all the bad karma I've accumulated in (nearly) twenty five years. Why the hell ELSE would I be in this position? I'm miserable. And still fucking homeless. Fucking impotent little shit of a man.
Laters

I'm going to get a T-shirt that reads "God's a Sadist and I'm His Favourite".
I'm homeless. Jobless, though that's nothing new. I can't even get Amethyst back in school because we'd have to have an address. Who is to blame? Raven. Of course. But I love him. Or I believe that he loves me, which I accept as the same thing.
And my dad (who used to be my hero--
"Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that I'm all right
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it allNothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect"), was crying on the phone, begging me to come back home and not into who-knows-where with Raven. What can I do? I can't please everybody. Apparently I can't even please myself. And Amethyst...what have I gotten her INTO? *sigh*
I'm a fool.
Again.
~Laters