If a kiss could kill, I'd die to feel your lips on mine.

I'm going to get a piercing this weekend.

Days go by, turning into weeks, eating nothing but time. And still so far away.

There's a Rennaisance Festival every weekend next month. I'm buying a season pass.

I wish I were pretty...

The military is a good thing to exploit. If you can find a way like mine.

Good night, my lovely.
Laters

There's a tingling in my spine, almost like it's fallen asleep. A pressure behind my ear almost like someone is pressing his fingers there. A feeling...a feeling that I'm being followed. Different sensations weave in and out and around me, convincing me that at any moment I'll turn my head and catch ...what? A shadow. I'm being stalked by a shadow. Or a thought. But is it MY shadow, MY thought? Or someone else? Every time I breathe in, I taste something in the air. Every time I breathe out, my breath is sucked towards some unknown force. Fingers in my hair, lips on my neck...
Purely imagination, right?
Laters

My Delight...

Yes, she dances. And in her twists and turns and runs and drops, she is beautiful. I hold her hand and try to keep up, but my beautiful Amethyst is swept away by joy and I am helpless to do anything but watch her, breathe her, capture her in this moment of pure rapture and save it forever. Then she'll look up at me and smile, "Hello, mommy. Aren't I a good dancer?" Yes, little one. The best ever.
Laters

This is the kind of thing I would do if I had a body anywhere near as decent as this. Isn't it just NEAT?
Laters

Oh, and if I were you, I'd check out the picture link.
Laters

I'm transparent today. My skin thinner than paper and cold as ice. Just glance my way and you'll see very clearly what is living underneath the surface. It pulses, writhes, breathes, and devours. It wants to break free of me, a living being independent of its creator. Its only desire is to grow, to feed upon itself and everything around it until it is the only creature still existent. I'm trying to kill it, but it's wrapped itself around my heart. It is full of pain, but it also encompasses confusion, jealousy, rage, love...yes, love is in there, too. Its nature is destructive, it knows no compassion. It has me in its grasp and I am helpless to do anything but shout:

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!

Laters.

This is hell week for me. Work is a fucking nightmare and a half plus two times infinity. So many system issues and it looks like I'm having to go in on Saturday-AGAIN. Hopefully this will mean a decent paycheck, not that I'll be able to use much of it as my father is wanting to claim at least half of it for his own. I know, I know, I owe him the money. But I've got other things I need to take care of, ya know?

Anyway (and yes, I know I tend to overuse that as my favourite transition), this: is a picture of me taken while I was on Oahu. Lovely close up that doesn't really show you much of anything and is half brighted out, but still, it's me. I have lots more pictures that I'm going to add from work tomorrow. In theory, that is.

*sigh* Fucking work.




Laters

Yesterday was the day from hell. Today's not looking any better. Fuck this, I swear. If only that bank robbery thing would form up...
Laters

I discovered something amusing today. If I go to this site at work, all the "fucks", "bitches", "cunts", "pussy(s)", and who knows WHAT elst all turn into -------. Not "shits", though. For some reason the "shits" evade my censors. I just thought that was amusing.

Anyway, I read this post at work today. And no one noticed me trying to rub my clit through my jeans. Or, well, if they DID notice they didn't say anything. I don't think they noticed, though. I wasn't very vigorous. I'm saving that for just a little later, when I get off the computer and go find my toy.

Anyway, other than that my day sucked. Badly. Amethyst's hearing problems require surgery and the doctor doesn't take my insurance so it's going to cost me nearly fifteen hundred bucks just for his part-and that's his discounted rate. That's not counting the knock-out stuff, the use of the hospital, and god knows what other services they'll charge me. Then I didn't have time to take her to school so I had to drop her off with my younger brother at home-not my first choice of babysitters, but it had to be done. Next, I found out that my drug is now off the market. The only one I've been able to take in the last three years that makes it possible for me to even walk. And the "next closest thing" doesn't do a damned bit of good for me. So I've been popping Aleve like it's candy, which CAN'T be good for me. And THEN, I'm in trouble at work. I'm on "probation". For tardies. I'm fucking SORRY, but godDAMNED it can be hard to get everything done that's necessary and still get to work on time. And this was such a shit week. God, I can't afford to get fired right now. Not ever, really, but DEFINITELY not right now with my daughter's surgery coming up and me having just bought a car...

Holy hell, I'm fucked, aren't I?
Laters

He comes up behind me, walking so quietly and breathing so lightly that I almost don't notice him. He watches me-watches me write, watches me read, watches me search. It's just the computer, and I'm not one of those that are bothered by people looking over their shoulder. I don't value my privacy-hell, I don't have any.
Out of the corner of my eye I see his arm move towards me. I continue what I'm doing, half turning as his hand cups my breast. I want him to bend over and kiss my neck. Or maybe pull my hair back and bite it. But he just stands there, lazily holding my breast, standing behind me, watching me play some stupid online game. I'm stubborn. I don't quit. I pay him no attention at all, or as little attention as you CAN pay someone with his fingers pinching your tit and his groin two centimeters from your back. I'm feeling belligerent tonight, I guess. The play of shadows and light on my profile reveal my smirk to him. We can't have THAT, now, can we?

Ya know, it's not so much that I like the discipline scenarios as I do the idea of a guy losing control over me. The threat of real violence, the sense of imminent danger, that's what turns me on. The idea that it will go too far. Not that I necessarily WANT it to, I just want to know that someone who has that much control OVER me can lose control BECAUSE of me. Fuck it, I'm not explaining this shit right.
Laters

I would write some crazy, perverted (and therefore fun as hell) fantasy, but my fucking laptop is still goddamned broken so I'm down in my brothers' shithole of a room and I just can't BREATH much less write. But I still exist, and I'm still yours.
Laters

"Kiss me and I'm yours forever."

How can I help you? I'd rush to your aid if I knew where you were.
Laters

She said:
"shoot"
so I said:
"well, I kinda wanted to know if/when I might be moving to the fax team. not that the phones are driving me absolutely insane or anything, I was already insane, but being on the phones is certainly not improving the condition, and besides, maybe I LIKE being crazy sometimes but not irritated and crazy which is what I can get sometimes when I'm on the phones too much. (and if you were here in person, I'd probably have said that all in one breath and be struggling after the next one right now.)
anyway, I'm having some problems with my daughter and I was thinking of switching schedules now that so many earlier ones are opened up, but if I'm needed on the later shift I can do that, too, especially if I can be on the fax team. so...yeah, that's what I wanted to know."
then she answered:
"Ok, well here’s the dealio…
We will be getting some new peeps on the fax team, but I don’t know when…hopefully sooner rather than later. when we get more people, we will be doing a shift bid as well… I wish I had something concrete to tell you, but do what is best for your daughter first, and then for you. if you need an earlier shift, you should probably try to go for it. but I couldn’t promise anything w faxes.
I know that did not help at all."
at which point I replied:
"well, at this point, I think what's best for my daughter is to duct tape her mouth and string her up by her toes in a secret closet that I would then board up and brick over, probably pad as well just in case the duct tape came loose so I wouldn't hear her screaming...
But everyone tells me she's just going through a phase..."
and she asked:
"I am sure she is. do you need to spend more time with her? is that why you need an earlier shift?"
so I suggested:
"yeah, that's what I was thinking. but there's two schools of thought on that. either a) spending more time with her will cure her of all her ills and be the best thing in the world for everyone involved or b) spending more time with her would be catering to her attitude which would only get worse and hence be the worst thing in the world for everyone involved.
*sigh* there needs to be a handbook for this sort of thing. one not written by Dr. Phil."
and she helped with:
"Can’t help you there, that is why I have a dog."

So now I'm debating about my work schedule along with all the OTHER stress in my life.
Now, you may be asking, what brought this up?
Amethyst is turning into a royal pain in my ass, and it's mainly due to the fact that she has too much contact with my parents and not enough with me. Fuck, I gotta get the hell outta that shithole.
Laters

Oh, and I love that my brother-in-law is just as addicted to the internet as I am. It's made it much easier to give in to my obsessions.
Laters

He watches outside her window as she tosses and turns in her bed. She can't seem to get comfortable; he wonders if she can somehow feel him there or if she's just like this every night. His vantage point is perfect, he has full view of her room. Yes, there it goes, the blanket slipping to the floor. Flash of his bright teeth in the otherwise pervasive darkness. She's not naked, as he'd hoped, but she's not wearing much. He pauses, giving her body attention, paying it the reverence it deserves: only a few scars and it would be perfect. He's tracked her down. Odd for him to have found her despite her precautions, in spite of her careful alias and well guarded anonymity. Little black negligee...
She's fully asleep now, she went to bed over an hour ago. In her deep slumber she won't notice him leaving his post, won't notice him stealthily creeping across her property. Warm night, isn't it? Small knife and her open window is missing its screen. Shhh, a noise. Has she woken? No, he just stepped a little too heavily on the floor. Down the hall, at her bedroom door at last. Well, her bedroom curtain, she has no door. How convenient for him. Sliding inside, his hands itch to touch her, his cock is hard wanting to hurt her. Flash of those teeth again. He appears so innocent when he smiles; he knows this, he uses it-and he's far from innocent. With impossible silence he crosses to the bed; with exquisite skill he relieves her of her scant clothing. Such control! His hands aren't shaking, his breath is even, his heart is pounding, but he suppresses its volume.
She sleeps on. Not for long, he thinks. Not for long. Finally, she's his. He leans down to smell her, take a small part of her into himself. On her neck, a tattoo of what could be a vampyre bite. Next to that a kanji character he doesn't even pause to read. Beautiful art, the ink she's acquired. Soft 'swish' of the knife and the blade finds her throat. Eyes wide open now, filled with fear, of course, but also...is that excitement he sees behind the terror? Lust beneath the surface?

"What will you do now?"
Laters

The thing is that I KNOW what liars and assholes people are. The problem is that I tend to believe them anyway. I wish being gullible didn't make me feel so stupid.

I'm holding my nephew as I type this. He's tiny and cute and just perfect. He even smells nice since I just gave him a bath.

I have to leave the office now. We're going to dinner.
Laters