I could probably really use a night of all out fucking. I could really use it, actually. But right now...right now I'm just defeated. The human race has gotten the better of me. Again. I now want to crawl back into my hole and cry. I can't stand being the way I am, it's killing me. It hurts to love so much that I have to love everyone. It hurts worse that everyone I've ever loved has stabbed me in the back or worse. If I die one more time I'm not going to be able to survive it. The people I love most...I should just crawl under a rock in a cave on the highest, most desolate mountain and love you all from there. Because I don't want to. Because I want to love so bad I can taste it. I want to love that one person, that ONE who won't betray me. Out of the whole world, yes. One. I want to quit. Goddammit, I wish I were suicidal. I wish I could be. I wish it were just as easy to jump off the tenth floor balcony right out there. Would solve all my problems, and those of those I care about. I don't want to do this any more. Life, dating, men, raising my daughter, who'll only resent me for it. Crying. I'd rather die than cry one more time. Won't somebody hear me? Kill me! Dead, no more me. I'm ranting, and self absorbed right now. It's just so...fucked up, hard, different, painful. Sad. How can I forgive them? I'm trying, I've been trying. I want to, but I've been so hurt, so many times. By the same people over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. And just when I meet someone new and think that maybe it'll be different this time, maybe this person won't find and exploit my weaknesses and kill me, they do. Every time. Why do I hold out hope that the next one will be different? I should just kill myself. My daughter doesn't deserve to grow up with a mother like me.
Laters