Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Why? Why not? Slate will be home tomorrow, and I think I'm relieved. Or bothered. Whichever. I don't need to be alone right now, I'm all self destructive. And this time in an entirely different way. More like cutting and slashing and destroying than not caring and allowing idiots access to me. Although, to be fair, I only allowed one idiot that kind of access to me. Blonde isn't an idiot, and in fact quite a decent guy. More than decent, actually.
I still haven't seen my knight online. Am I being paranoid? Obsessive? I mean, HE is the one who "proposed" and "e-married" us. So he must at least like me, right? Or love? Do I love him? Yes, with all my heart when I'm talking to him. When I'm not, though...well, I don't love him any less, he just seems...unnaturally unreal to me. I'm one who needs that constant connection and reassurance that there IS that connection. I think about him all the time, and I'm tortured by his absence.
Actually, to be fair, I'm tortured by a lot of things lately. I don't know why I can't say "fuck off" to the people who hurt me. I know Stormy would. Some days I wish I could be more like her. She doesn't care or take shit from anyone. She knows how to be happy without all the external validation, and she knows how to lie and manipulate people to her whim-and quite often it IS just whim. But she loves me for who I am, even if sometimes it frustrates her all the shit I allow in my life, all the people I allow to hurt me. Even her, but we're past all that now. I think. I hope...hmmm... I saw her husband online tonight and I was so relieved. It meant that she was still awake-even at two her time-and so I could call her. Which I desperately needed to do. Because I needed to talk to someone who knew me and believed me and loved me without condition. And she's all but the only one. The only one I talk to frequently, at any rate. It's good that we're sisters. I don't know where we'd be without each other-although they probably wouldn't have kicked us out of church when we were little. Like I said, the two of us in a room together can be...well, we have fun, even if no one else does. Priests and such are particularly un-amused.
Laters
I still haven't seen my knight online. Am I being paranoid? Obsessive? I mean, HE is the one who "proposed" and "e-married" us. So he must at least like me, right? Or love? Do I love him? Yes, with all my heart when I'm talking to him. When I'm not, though...well, I don't love him any less, he just seems...unnaturally unreal to me. I'm one who needs that constant connection and reassurance that there IS that connection. I think about him all the time, and I'm tortured by his absence.
Actually, to be fair, I'm tortured by a lot of things lately. I don't know why I can't say "fuck off" to the people who hurt me. I know Stormy would. Some days I wish I could be more like her. She doesn't care or take shit from anyone. She knows how to be happy without all the external validation, and she knows how to lie and manipulate people to her whim-and quite often it IS just whim. But she loves me for who I am, even if sometimes it frustrates her all the shit I allow in my life, all the people I allow to hurt me. Even her, but we're past all that now. I think. I hope...hmmm... I saw her husband online tonight and I was so relieved. It meant that she was still awake-even at two her time-and so I could call her. Which I desperately needed to do. Because I needed to talk to someone who knew me and believed me and loved me without condition. And she's all but the only one. The only one I talk to frequently, at any rate. It's good that we're sisters. I don't know where we'd be without each other-although they probably wouldn't have kicked us out of church when we were little. Like I said, the two of us in a room together can be...well, we have fun, even if no one else does. Priests and such are particularly un-amused.
Laters
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