*sigh* Some days I think I really am bipolar. Like today I was all happy and having fun and even had a good day for the most part. Now I'm pissy and irritable and frustrated. I go from way up to way down with no in between and little reason for the change. Yeah, yeah. I've heard it before-go see a doctor. Maybe. But I'm not into drugs.
Anyway, I talked to Blonde online last night. He mentioned that he was going to be in the area and I suggested he come over. He refused. Said I'd just been through a traumatic experience. I asked him what the appropriate time frame was and he said he didn't know, he'd never been around anything like this before. I said I was just fine and he should take my word for it. I didn't think he understood, but then he amazingly hit it RIGHT on the head. In the exact way I was thinking it, he brought it up. I was shocked and impressed. And really glad he understands. And I understand where he's coming from on this, too. So we'll just wait and see what happens.
I was thinking about waiting, though. Discontinuing my "relationship" with Blonde and having patience for my knight. But there are several problems with this. Well, at least a couple. One is that I want to get over it, have something I actually WANT. Another is that I know I'm going to be a little messed up about the next time and I don't want to put that burden on my knight. And I trust Blonde, in a weird and bizarre way. I know he'd never hurt me. A third is that I really, really like the activity with Blonde, he's really, really good at it and it's THOUROUGHLY enjoyable. I've had relationships in the past end because of a poor physical connection, and, though I doubt it'll be that way with my knight, I don't want to regret never having it as good as it is with Blonde. Dammit, I'm completely fucked up about sex. I went an entire year without it and it didn't seem to help. I dunno, I'll work it out somehow, in my own head, eventually. Hopefully before it gets to be a problem, especially with my knight.
Speaking of my knight, I haven't talked to him since Sunday. He's just not been online-I know, I've been there almost consistently. I sent him an email, though. That had that snippet from my blog in it. He hasn't replied. I'm terrified reality is setting in, that he's realizing that people just don't meet and fall in love on the internet. Without ever having met in person, without even ever having a conversation on the phone. I don't want to seem pushy or obsessive, but I AM those things. I want nothing more than to be with him. If I was able I'd go there and marry him right now. Yes, I realize it's a little odd. But that's the way I am. Fortunately-or unfortunately, which is the way I see it-there are too many obstacles standing in the way. My physical flaws-which I want to erradicate before I meet him-my location and his, and mostly my deal with Slate. Not that he wouldn't do everything in his power to help me should I express this desire to him, but it would still take three to six months. *sigh* I am SO not a patient person. But I suppose-as everyone has suggested to me anyhow-that I should concentrate on me, getting my self healthy-physically and mentally and emotionally-so I can be ready for him when the time is right. But as I said before, I'm afraid the time will pass, at least the time when it's appropriate for us to start to be together. Because once we're together we'll be TOGETHER.
Okay, I'm not making any sense. I'mma go watch a movie with Amethyst, she's been so patient. And I hope that I see my knight soon-online at least.
Laters
Anyway, I talked to Blonde online last night. He mentioned that he was going to be in the area and I suggested he come over. He refused. Said I'd just been through a traumatic experience. I asked him what the appropriate time frame was and he said he didn't know, he'd never been around anything like this before. I said I was just fine and he should take my word for it. I didn't think he understood, but then he amazingly hit it RIGHT on the head. In the exact way I was thinking it, he brought it up. I was shocked and impressed. And really glad he understands. And I understand where he's coming from on this, too. So we'll just wait and see what happens.
I was thinking about waiting, though. Discontinuing my "relationship" with Blonde and having patience for my knight. But there are several problems with this. Well, at least a couple. One is that I want to get over it, have something I actually WANT. Another is that I know I'm going to be a little messed up about the next time and I don't want to put that burden on my knight. And I trust Blonde, in a weird and bizarre way. I know he'd never hurt me. A third is that I really, really like the activity with Blonde, he's really, really good at it and it's THOUROUGHLY enjoyable. I've had relationships in the past end because of a poor physical connection, and, though I doubt it'll be that way with my knight, I don't want to regret never having it as good as it is with Blonde. Dammit, I'm completely fucked up about sex. I went an entire year without it and it didn't seem to help. I dunno, I'll work it out somehow, in my own head, eventually. Hopefully before it gets to be a problem, especially with my knight.
Speaking of my knight, I haven't talked to him since Sunday. He's just not been online-I know, I've been there almost consistently. I sent him an email, though. That had that snippet from my blog in it. He hasn't replied. I'm terrified reality is setting in, that he's realizing that people just don't meet and fall in love on the internet. Without ever having met in person, without even ever having a conversation on the phone. I don't want to seem pushy or obsessive, but I AM those things. I want nothing more than to be with him. If I was able I'd go there and marry him right now. Yes, I realize it's a little odd. But that's the way I am. Fortunately-or unfortunately, which is the way I see it-there are too many obstacles standing in the way. My physical flaws-which I want to erradicate before I meet him-my location and his, and mostly my deal with Slate. Not that he wouldn't do everything in his power to help me should I express this desire to him, but it would still take three to six months. *sigh* I am SO not a patient person. But I suppose-as everyone has suggested to me anyhow-that I should concentrate on me, getting my self healthy-physically and mentally and emotionally-so I can be ready for him when the time is right. But as I said before, I'm afraid the time will pass, at least the time when it's appropriate for us to start to be together. Because once we're together we'll be TOGETHER.
Okay, I'm not making any sense. I'mma go watch a movie with Amethyst, she's been so patient. And I hope that I see my knight soon-online at least.
Laters
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