There's a stranger in my head. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to look at my life in an entirely different way. It's scary. I'm so mentally unwell. I have this attitude towards sex that I hate. I have this worm in my stomach, this parasite. It's in my head, too. I can't handle this, I'm freaking out. I'm panicking and I don't even know why. I'm crying, I'm a mess. What the hell is WRONG with me? I can't, I just can't do this anymore. I have no control over anything and even when I think I do it's an illusion. An illusion designed to destroy me. And I want to be destroyed, and the illusion isn't working fast enough. I can't stand this, this waiting for something to fall in my lap. And growing more and more despondent and frustrated and pained every night when my lap's still empty. I hate this, I hate me. I hate this voyage of self discover that I'm embarking on. I hate that I was forced into it-not just by necessity, but also by a goddamned asshole man with worse than poor social skills who waltzed into my life and turned me into a victim. I'm so fucking ANGRY! He took my power away from me, my celebration in my feminity. And I want it back. I don't just want to work through my own pain, I want to cause HIM pain, to take it back from HIM, not from the wild blue yonder that it has disappeared to. Because it DIDN'T go into the goddamned yonder, it went into him, his godforsaken penis. I HATE him, I HATE the situation, I HATE the violation, and the fucking process of it all. I can't handle this. I need someone to hold me while I cry and I don't know anyone. And even if I did, I don't trust anyone.
I have to go cry now, I can no longer see the page.
Laters