This Doesn't Happen to Normal People

But what DOES happen to normal people? Email: iamthecoloursapphire@yahoo.com

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be.
There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up… To more than I can be."

I am in love with this man. And I believe that he is in love with me. But last night he tells me that he was HERE. Last week. I don't know when last week, it could even have been for V Day-and he knew what a shitty V Day I'd had. He was here, not twenty minutes from me. And he still couldn't call. He still couldn't knock on a door. I am SO sorry that he's been so hurt. But how can I ever convince him that I'm not her? How can I give him faith in me, in us? I simply don't know. I can tell him a million times in a million ways, and he'd still be afraid. Should I push him over the edge-off the cliff into my arms? And if I DO push, will he grow wings or crash and burn? Love is a funny thing. A complicated, confusing, overwhelming thing. I have to get him to me. I HAVE to. I need him. It's not even a matter of want. I NEED him. I need my life, and he is it.
But I can't get online tonight. So I sent him my number. Will he call? I honestly don't know. I want him to. I think HE needs to. It's a step he needs to be able to take. And if he can't...well, if he can't, I'll wait. I'll see him online tomorrow. I'll cry a lot tonight, but I'm prepared for that. All I can do is hope and love. He's already got my heart. And all I want is his voice.
We'll see how it goes. He'll probably sit by the phone for hours, picking it up and putting it down, and maybe even dialing all but the last digit of my number and then slamming the phone back down in fear. He's so cute, I can almost see him doing it. In my head he's adorable. I just hope he'll dial that last number without thinking about it, that it will be ringing before he has the chance to get it into his head that he's going to hear my voice on the other end. But like I said, we'll see.
I love him. I'm in love with him. This is the next step. Maybe he just doesn't know how ready he is.
Laters