I don't know why, but I'm feeling very...off. Out of it, dazed, confused, odd. Whatever. And definitely alone. Amethyst is sleeping and Slate's out at work. And I have to contemplate my life ahead of me. My life ALONE ahead of me. I've never been on my own. I don't think I can. I'm scared to find out. I don't WANT to find out. Everything that's happened to me has happened when I was by myself. Everything bad, I mean. I'm so frightened. I just want to be held and protected, shielded from all the malice in the world. I need to be, and instead I'm being thrust out the door into the cold-alone. I feel like I'm caught in a tornado and a whirlpool-alternately sucked up into the sky and down into the water. Am I flying in the ocean? Or swimming in the sky? Am I lost in the wood with no one to find me? Or drowning in the sea with no one to pull me to safety?
I'm just...I'm...terrified. I feel alone in the middle of a party-the party being the rest of the world, me being overlooked right in the center of it. I never really understood how that could be. How I can be up on a platform shouting and have no one hear or even see me. I'm completely lost. I hate having plans, I hate being confined by circumstance. I hate the entire situation I'm in.
And I'm reading this book in which this mother resents being a mother and leaves her children. Is that me? Will I tolerate this motherhood as long as it's convenient and then split as soon as it's real? What am I doing? Who am I? Where am I going? And why am I always so ...alone? ...ignored? ...overlooked? ...defeated?
I've got to go do the damned dishes. Eeeewwwww.
Laters