I've never been quite the same as everyone else. As anyone else. Not to say that there IS a definition for normal, but that I am abnormal-and always have been. I've always felt more conected to everyone and everything when I was alone. And more alone than anything when I was in a room full of people. When I was young I noted how I was always in the middle-no matter how you counted or split my family, I was always the middle child. This was never a comfort, never gave me the sense of belonging I always whished it would. It made me feel more separate, more alien than any of them. As if on either side of me were people together and I was in the middle and completely apart. And looking at my life and my family, I wonder how they couldn't know that I always loved them. Not for what I wanted, or for remembered joy. But for everything. The insults, the pain, the misconceptions and delusions they had about me, the way they acted and DIDN'T act around me, the way they saw me and the way they chose to classify me. And I still love them. Only I wish I didn't.
Laters