Waking too early this morning, I caught FireOpal online. Ten minutes, and he was gone. "I love you." "I love you, too." So much that I don't understand, so much that I think is hopeless, so much that's confusing and frustrating and...Ten minutes after more than a week.
*sigh* This whole thing's got me confused and conflicted. Upset, too. I don't know what to think anymore, much less what to do. It shouldn't be exclusively up to me for us to be together. I shouldn't have to sneak around conspiring just to hear his voice. He should want to share that with me. He should want to share EVERYTHING with me. And not only should he WANT to, he should DO it. Why is this so difficult? Why is this so complicated? And when will it end? Because it always ends. With me, there is no forever, not really even once upon a times. Only almost maybes. And it's always my fault. I take the responsibility for it, I cause it, I ruin it-'it' being everything. Unconsciously on purpose? Yep. I think so. So I'm the one in control, I'm the one who can be blamed, I'm the one singularly the cause of everything. Everything wrong, everything right. It's all me. What will I do fuck it up this time?
Unfortunately, I know.
Laters