My blog HAS lost its 'luster'. There's something...I don't know. Infinitely lacking. The questions of rhetoric I once used to continue this along have faded out. The fascinating-or possibly droll-people I've met, the things I've done. Since leaving the island, things have been...different. Not as...exotic might be the word I'm looking for. But then, it might not.
I'm addicted to attention. But not only that. Attention and possibility. I need both. FireOpal-who did not exist-paid me a LOT of attention, but there was no possibility. Now I have what I've wanted for so long-a man who loves me so infinitely as to be incomprehensible-and I'm looking for something else. Something better, something different. Something more. Why? I did that with Ruby. Hell, I've done that with everyone. Except FireOpal, I never did that with "him". Now I'm back to my tragic state-looking, searching, hoping, longing, yearning. And never finding. You live with a dream for so long, you spend years, decades trying to find it...and then what? You waste all that time on something that doesn't exist and in the end you remain alone. 'Forever' is a long time to wait, a long time to look, a long time to plan. And if at the end of it you still haven't found what you're looking for, how much have you lost in the looking? So do you-and by 'you' I mean 'I'-accept what IS and resign myself to contentment (who knows? maybe even happiness) or continue looking for total bliss and lose what I've got in the process?
Ah, decisions.
Laters