Things are going steadily to hell.
Oh, fuck that. We're already in hell.
Financially we're screwed. Physically, cancer's eating up my insides. Mentally, I'm overwhelmed. Emotionally, I'm drained.
And every new day brings another fucking disaster.
Why does god hate me?
Laters

Oh, yeah, and on that note, she charged eight hundred dollars to her parents' phone calling to talk to Him. And now she's concerned that they might call here to ask me what's up with that. What WILL I say? *malicious grin*
Anyone care to hear the truth?
Laters

Who the hell are "He and she"?
"He touches my mind, possessing me, claiming me, pulling me closer until all I know is Him.
She moves my heart, stroking and soothing until it grows big with only her.
He is a rock, commanding even in His need for me. She is a void waiting to be lovingly filled.
He owns me. She loves me.
And I will find my home in them."
Not Him, not Raven. God, this cracks me up. And what's even BETTER about it is that I've TOLD her what's going on, what's He's promised me and what His REAL plans are. And STILL she rushes in blindly, trusting Him, believing His words when He uses them on her to confuse and mislead. "You are to get everything ready for me that I need and wait for me." Yeah, that's what He said. Read between the lines, moron. It means: "I want you in my pocket for the rest of your life but you'll never get me." Hell, He's even promised me that He'll never MEET her no matter what.
And the people she meets online-one in particular-hope that she gets through this (that we all get through this) with "minimum psychological damage." Get the point here, people: we're TRYING to damage her. Raven and I both. Physically, psychologically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally-if there's damage to be done, we're going for it. HE'S going for it. I'm done with being the victim, that part of my life is over. And since I can't really fight my own battles, He's doing it for me. Because He loves me. And He's not leaving me. No matter what.
Oh, but it's amusing to me. Annoying as hell at times because she takes up too much of His time and calls my house at all hours of the day and night (though I'm soon changing my phone number so that won't be a problem for much longer), but it's going to feel so GOOD when we're done. So...vindicated, so revenged. And most importantly so OVER.
Why am I so...obsessed with this? Because I am. Because she hurt me beyond all bounds of moral, ethical, societal behaviours. I don't care who you are, there are some things you do NOT do to others. Even if you're a seventeen year old fool with access to a computer.
I guess that's all for now.
Laters

I need sex. No, I need to be fucked. Fucked hard and rough and thouroughly. Hurt. Pleasured. Tied, beaten. Bruised.
I get that. Just not often enough.
Laters

Jeez, I don't post here nearly as often as I should. Laziness strikes again.
*sigh*
I know she's not reading this anymore. At His command. And hell, I'm glad, all I want is her evicted from my life. But He's not doing it fast enough for me. I want her gone NOW, not twenty years from now. Not even a week or a month. Or a day. He'll get rid of her, but I STILL have to put up with the frustration of Him spending time-WASTING time-on her. All for His revenge. It's just not WORTH it to me. So He'll get her into the country, give her the illusion of stability, of sanity-a home with people she knows or school-and then get her away from it. Leaving her alone in a foreign land without Him. I even get to change my phone number at that point. Though I want to NOW, the fucking bitch calls all the goddamned time. And it's funny to know how much she loves Him, and how much she did love me. Because she could have changed it. She COULD have had it all-Him, me, Amethyst, happily ever after. And all she really had to do was apologize, attempt to make ammends. Did she? No. She got defensive and bitchy and pissy and blamed it on ME-how I was so willing to believe and anyone could have done it. And now she wants just Him. No longer do I fit in her little world.
No, she doesn't read any more. Though I wish she did. So I could innocently tell her all His secrets-how we laugh at her, how He asks me what to do to her to make her suffer all the more, how He is KEEPING me, staying WITH me, how He considers selling her or prostituting her out, how He's disappointed that He never gets to meet her but is willing to forego that minute desire to have me and hold me and love me and be with me, how we mock her, Him saying "this bitch is sick", how He thinks she's worthless ("even if she was the perfect slave and you were never anything more than what you are, you're worth more to me than a thousand of her. I love you"), how I know all His plans, read all her emails and conversations, watch her cry on the webcam. It pisses me off that *I* can't tell her this, that *I* can't be the one to destroy her. I trust Him, and He WILL, but dammit! I want her to KNOW that she could have had it all, that she could have had Him, but that she never will. Well, she'll know that eventually, but I want her to know that it's because of ME, of what she deliberately did to me, because of how she hurt me. That it's MY choice, and that He's letting me make it. I hate that she goes online and talks to people, making friends and getting them to trust and believe and even CARE for her. That's what she did with me. How she fucked me over. And they believe it, they eat up all her lies, all her shit as if they're just waiting underneath her, mouths open, for it to come out of her ass. How I long to warn them "Stay away! I KNOW what this thing is, this creature, this malifluous incarnation of evil." But will they listen to me? No, of course not. Fools, all.
It could have been so different. So I'm pissy. But she fucked up. And she fucked up BIG time. Am I so bad a person for wanting to keep her away? No. Is HE so bad of a person for stringing her along and fucking her over? God, I HOPE so.
Laters

Oh, and I've added a bunch of stuff to my poetry page. That and gotten the link set up on the side there-finally.
Hope you enjoy reading it.
I enjoyed writing it (two to three years ago).
Laters

So He's trying to convince me to change my mind. About letting her in my home. Sorry, not gonna happen. Regardless of anything else-meaning that she hurt me deeply and I pretty well hate her for it-she threatened my child. Fuck that. Fuck it right in the ear. And even though He says He won't allow anyone to hurt Amethyst, *I* won't allow anyone to even threaten her. Or at least not and get away with it. She will not be in my home. Period.
That and I'm selfish and I want Him all to myself. Given that that IS an option, HELL YEAH I'm taking it.
Laters

I'm being so good. Trying my best and actually DOING. He's proud of me. Proud and in love. *happy sigh* I love making Him happy.
Some people say I'm a whiny brat. LoL! Little do they (meaning she, atomic tangerine) know. How much He loves me. How He lets me make decisions that should be up to Him, but that mean so much to me. How I take that priviledge and turn it to making me a better slave, instead of turning it into a precedence for getting more of what I want as I used to do. How He and I laugh at my rebellion (which is now minute) and her whining (which does nothing but grow by leaps and bounds). How close He and I are, how utterly devoted to each other. How He would-and has and does-choose me over all else, over even some of the things He wants because He wants ME more than any of it. How He has promised me that I do not have to have her in my home, should I be adamantly opposed to it-and I am. How calm and loving He makes me feel because of that. How He holds me, touches me, caresses me, loves me, fucks me. How we are together, He and I.
No, some people are-and will probably remain-completely clueless. I don't care. He loves me. And I Him.
Laters

I'm freaking out. Yes, totally freaking out. Pregnant? NOW? God, I don't know what to do. What if I am? What if I'm not? I hope I'm not. I NEED not to be. But I honestly think I am. At this point, I'm almost convinced of it.
This is a problem. Why? Many, MANY reasons. First, I'm not all that healthy-like I was when I carried Amethyst to term. Second, I'm on so damned many drugs that say "do not take this if you become pregnant". Third, if I AM, it's going to be all about me and my comfort and health and everything, and Master Raven and I are NOT in a position where that wouldn't be detrimental to the nature of our relationship. Fourth, Raven's gotten several women pregnant only one of which carried to term and that baby died an hour and forty three minutes after birth; I saw Stormy's baby die, watched its heart stop beating on the table between her legs-I know I couldn't deal with that, especially not after having such a healthy pregnancy and childbirth with Amethyst. Fifth, we're SO strapped financially right now; hell, we can barely afford Amethyst, and she's nearly five and babies are SO SO much more expensive! Sixth, (and this is going to be kinda weird and maybe a little selfish) it would seriously interfere with our sex life, considering how heavily we're into the S&M. Seventh, I'll have to quit smoking and drinking (like I did when I got pregnant with Amethyst), and I just JUST started smoking regularly again.
Shit. Despite all my "I want a baby"-and I DO-I'm not ready. Not just not ready, but also not CAPABLE...or am I? I've always done what needed to be done, haven't I? But...Amethyst is nearly five. I'm still shocked and amazed that I've somehow managed to keep her alive THIS long. Add to that ANOTHER child? Oh, god. What am I going to do?