I'm freaking out. Yes, totally freaking out. Pregnant? NOW? God, I don't know what to do. What if I am? What if I'm not? I hope I'm not. I NEED not to be. But I honestly think I am. At this point, I'm almost convinced of it.
This is a problem. Why? Many, MANY reasons. First, I'm not all that healthy-like I was when I carried Amethyst to term. Second, I'm on so damned many drugs that say "do not take this if you become pregnant". Third, if I AM, it's going to be all about me and my comfort and health and everything, and Master Raven and I are NOT in a position where that wouldn't be detrimental to the nature of our relationship. Fourth, Raven's gotten several women pregnant only one of which carried to term and that baby died an hour and forty three minutes after birth; I saw Stormy's baby die, watched its heart stop beating on the table between her legs-I know I couldn't deal with that, especially not after having such a healthy pregnancy and childbirth with Amethyst. Fifth, we're SO strapped financially right now; hell, we can barely afford Amethyst, and she's nearly five and babies are SO SO much more expensive! Sixth, (and this is going to be kinda weird and maybe a little selfish) it would seriously interfere with our sex life, considering how heavily we're into the S&M. Seventh, I'll have to quit smoking and drinking (like I did when I got pregnant with Amethyst), and I just JUST started smoking regularly again.
Shit. Despite all my "I want a baby"-and I DO-I'm not ready. Not just not ready, but also not CAPABLE...or am I? I've always done what needed to be done, haven't I? But...Amethyst is nearly five. I'm still shocked and amazed that I've somehow managed to keep her alive THIS long. Add to that ANOTHER child? Oh, god. What am I going to do?