Jesus loves me but I make him wear a condom.

I met the sexiest, smartest guy this weekend. That was on the shirt he was wearing. And OH, I'd love to fuck him. He pushes all my buttons. In all the right ways. Now if only he'd push me...
Anyway, I'm horny. Obviously. There is rarely a time when I'm not. But you knew that already. *sigh* I need a reliable fuck buddy.
Because there's no such thing as a reliable mate.
Laters

I am so motherfucking sick and goddamned tired of the bullshit penis priority in this house.
I WILL DO IT MY OWN DAMNED SELF.
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I want Prince Charming. Isn't that what every girl raised on the Cinderella story wants? Of course, I'm observant enough to know that he's not here, realistic enough to know that he's not close, and cynical enough to know that he doesn't exist. So, frivolous sex/friends with benefits works as an adequate substitute. I'm not going to give up a basic human right because faerie tales are all BS.
My words. But, hell, even communism sounded good on paper.
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There are some people who just...create a different 'you' in how you react to them. Or at least there are for me.
Take Jack. Jack...there's got to be something better to call him. A colour. But I'm hesitant to assign him one-both because I haven't figured him out at all and because I want to make sure he'd like it. But I was thinking something along the lines of blood. Blood Red or Dragon's Blood...yes, I think Dragon's Blood works. Somehow it seems...appropriate.
And now back to the point. I'm different with him. Weird kinda different. But REAL kinda different. Not that that makes any sense at all. To anyone but me.
Anyway, I don't tell him what I think or feel. I'm not at all the outspoken, blunt, to the point kinda girl I usually am. I'm respectful, obedient (horny as hell but that's another thing I don't tell him-because that's not up to me), shy. Mostly shy. Aiming at pleasing him to the exclusion of damned near everything else. And tonight I did. I most definitely did. And hearing that, knowing that, seeing him writhe and moan...I nearly came myself. It was awesome. Only...I'm convenient. That's all. Convenient and willing. And dammit he's not safe.
As for other matters...
I loved him. I needed him. I trusted him. I depended on him. And he fucked it up. Fucked ME up and over and all around. There's so much there...so much confusing. I need to hear him love me. But I'm in such a better place and position than I was with him...and I just don't know what to do or how to handle it. Anything.
Other than sleep because six comes WAY too early in the morning.
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Did a little pampering of myself today. Not terribly much, but *I* think I'm cute. Got my hair cut shorter-and yes, it's dramatically different-and got my nails done. And they look FABULOUS! The woman who did them just did an amazing job. And then painted Amethyst's nails, too (she wanted red, I've got this gorgeous irridescent pink.)
...
Hell, fuck it. I was going to post more, but I think I'll just go to bed. Even though I just got home-way early, I might add-it might be somewhat helpful to get some sleep while I know I can.
Instead of hanging around online deciding the fuck of the week.
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You know, it occurs to me-too late, as usual-that just because someone asks doesn't mean they actually want to know.
Case in point, this woman I work with. (On a side note-WORK!!! I work now!!!) Anyway, she was asking about my online life. So I gave her this address. My theory? She'll come in Monday and either A) scream and run at the sight of me, B) look at me in horror and not speak to me, C) request to be transferred to another room-or department or floor or building or state altogether, D) not come in Monday, or E) come in, slap me in the face, vomit on my shirt, punch me in the stomach, kick me in the shins, and (just for good measure) break every bone in my body. I'm betting on E.
Okay, not really. I know she's rather on the conservative side, though, and my...lifestyle doesn't exactly fit into that type of thinking. She was very disturbed when I was talking about my husband (Slate, in case you've forgotten), and that's an opinion I can totally understand and even completely respect. I, myself, had to undergo major attitude and moral adjustments to marry a man just on paper. One of the things I adjusted to, though, was that he and I really do love each other, and the only thing missing from our marriage is sex-and while sex is a big deal for both of us, I honestly don't think we'd get along on that level (or on any other if that level were involved). We're just great friends, and have been for what seems to me to be a long, long time. Hell, I'm even the first one he came out to...
I don't know what else to say about that. Or anything. OH! One thing I DO have to say is that the Boohbah things look like frightening mutant fur turtles. Or is that just me?
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What I DIDN'T say:

"I DON'T like not being told what to do because then I have choices of what to do and I know I'll invariably mess up. I don't like knowing what kind of control you could have over me if you'd exercise it and NOT knowing whether or not you know that-and if you know that, whether or not you will. and I'm shutting up now.
and not sending this."

Why? Because what I DID is bad enough:

"what is it you like?"
sapphire: "you know what I like"
(long pause)
sapphire: "I like being commanded and I like the praise if I do well. I like knowing that I please you. um...stuff like that."

Why am I like this? More importantly, why do I keep asking myself that-when I KNOW that it doesn't matter, that I just AM? Shit.
Even though I'm actively female, I REALLY need to get laid. Dammit.
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*sigh*
I think I'm the most pathetic creature on the face of the earth. I sit around waiting on a man who will never be what I need. Or a man who will never want me. Or a man who can't stand me. And all of the above.
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Why is it that I always end up with guys that do nothing but make me cry?
Ever since Ruby...but I still can't get into that. Though it's been longer by half than we were even together, it's somehow still too painful. Maybe he is my one true love. Or was. Doesn't matter either way, I fucked up. Big time. And those are times and they are people I can never get back-the times with him, who I was with him, and him.
Second chance romance...never had a chance.
And I think it doesn't with Raven, either.
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Goddamned mother FUCKERS!
I am so fucking sick and goddamned tired of being treated like a fucking child.
I have my OWN child, thank you very much.
Assholes.
(Of course I could just be PMSing.)
Laters