There are some people who just...create a different 'you' in how you react to them. Or at least there are for me.
Take Jack. Jack...there's got to be something better to call him. A colour. But I'm hesitant to assign him one-both because I haven't figured him out at all and because I want to make sure he'd like it. But I was thinking something along the lines of blood. Blood Red or Dragon's Blood...yes, I think Dragon's Blood works. Somehow it seems...appropriate.
And now back to the point. I'm different with him. Weird kinda different. But REAL kinda different. Not that that makes any sense at all. To anyone but me.
Anyway, I don't tell him what I think or feel. I'm not at all the outspoken, blunt, to the point kinda girl I usually am. I'm respectful, obedient (horny as hell but that's another thing I don't tell him-because that's not up to me), shy. Mostly shy. Aiming at pleasing him to the exclusion of damned near everything else. And tonight I did. I most definitely did. And hearing that, knowing that, seeing him writhe and moan...I nearly came myself. It was awesome. Only...I'm convenient. That's all. Convenient and willing. And dammit he's not safe.
As for other matters...
I loved him. I needed him. I trusted him. I depended on him. And he fucked it up. Fucked ME up and over and all around. There's so much there...so much confusing. I need to hear him love me. But I'm in such a better place and position than I was with him...and I just don't know what to do or how to handle it. Anything.
Other than sleep because six comes WAY too early in the morning.
Laters